The 'Truth' About Obama
by Bill Shein

Did you know that Sen. Barack Obama hates America? If you didn't, then you haven't been paying attention to Internet rumors that continue to find their way into political reporting done by America's so-called "news" organizations.

See, sometimes Obama doesn't put his hand on his heart during the national anthem, which proves that he is running for president to destroy our nation, right? Why else would CNN ask in an online poll, "Does Barack Obama show the proper patriotism for someone who wants to be president of the United States?"

Obama also doesn't wear an American flag lapel pin, a mandatory accessory in Washington (especially for politicians who like to undermine the Constitution in the name of defending the Constitution). Why? According to a rumor on the Internet, it's because a lapel pin would interfere with the hidden microphone that connects Obama directly to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

No wonder Obama says he'll meet Ahmadinejad without preconditions. Obviously, it's so he can personally give the man a suitcase packed with highly enriched uranium.

You saw the picture of Obama in a turban, yes? He says it's the traditional garb of his Kenyan relatives, but according to rumors on the Internet, the photo was actually taken during his al-Qaida induction ceremony. And it's probably true!

(CNN.com poll question: "Will Barack Obama's duties as a member of al-Qaida distract him from his work as president of the United States?")

This jibes with rumors that Obama is a "secret Muslim," a story circulated in e-mails with subject lines like, "FW: fwd: Re: Re: Obama's a secret Muslim! Read this now! Walter Cronkite wrote it!"

How does Obama practice as a secret Muslim on the campaign trail, anyway? Does he fall to his knees five times a day and say, "Sorry, I've lost a contact lens," and then quietly chant his daily verses from the Quran?

Have you heard that his full name is "Barack Hussein Obama?" Well, it's not. I read on the Internet that his name is, "Barack Saddam Hussein Osama Obama bin Laden al Jihadi," and that it was given to him during that al-Qaida ceremony.

Another Internet rumor says that Sen. Obama bin Laden al Jihadi has personally carried out no fewer than six different suicide attacks. Which can only mean one thing: The junior senator from Illinois is not just a radical Islamic terrorist, but also an undead zombie.

Don't believe it? Just wait until the debate next fall when Obama suddenly attacks Sen. John McCain and eats his brain on live television. And watch out, debate moderator Jim Lehrer: You'll be next!

(Asks CNN.com, "Can an undead zombie like Barack Obama be an effective president of the United States? Vote now — before he eats your brain!")

Oh, by the way, don't vote for Obama before you read about his activities with the Weather Underground in the 1960s. According to stories on the Internet, Obama was mixing explosives and plotting violent revolution when he was just a toddler.

(CNN.com poll: "Since Barack Obama was part of the Weather Underground in the 1960s, he's probably at least 65 years old. How does he stay so young-looking?")

Here's my favorite rumor: Nearly all of the so-called rumors about Obama are, in fact, created and spread by Obama and his campaign. Since Internet rumors are, in 2008, covered like news, Obama himself can debunk the Obama-created rumors and get some free press — something which now seems to happen almost daily.

It's a smart, groundbreaking media strategy that capitalizes on the sorry state of American journalism. And it's yet another reason why Barack Obama will win the presidency — the prize sought by every politician who hates America.

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According to rumors on the Internet, Bill Shein is nearly nine feet tall.

(This column first appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on Monday, March 3. Click here to read Bill's previous column, "Questions for the Candidates").