Perhaps We Might?
by Bill Shein
"Obama aides tamp down expectations" — The New York Times, Nov. 6.
PRESIDENT OBAMA (addressing millions on the National Mall on a sunny day in January): And so, having now taken the oath of office, and completed our uniquely peaceful transfer of power, together, America, we look to the future.
(Sustained cheering and applause force the president to pause for nearly a minute.)
OBAMA: Thank you. And that's why we begin this new chapter with words that until recently could only be whispered in the dead of night among my campaign aides: "Perhaps we might."
(An audible gasp rolls across the Mall.)
OBAMA: Perhaps we might, America. Perhaps we might. Because, come on. Look around. This place is a mess, people! You've got to be kidding if you think we can make a dent in this overwhelming disaster anytime soon. "Yes We Can!" was a nice slogan, but seriously.
(People look at each other in amazement. After a long, stunned silence, someone yells, "What the hell, Obama?")
OBAMA: And don't read too much into the phrase, "Perhaps we might." In these uncertain times, we must be cautious. You didn't elect me to be rash and impulsive like my vanquished opponent, right? C'mon, who's with me?
(There is no reaction from the crowd except for scattered boos. Behind the president, Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel applauds wildly.)
OBAMA: So in the coming days, when you hear me say, "Perhaps we might," know that what I mean is, "Perhaps, at some uncertain point in the future that can't be predicted accurately or with any certainty or specificity, and with no guarantee of anything even approaching modest success, we just might. But only if stars align, miracles happen, and we get really lucky. Like, lottery-winner lucky."
(He laughs and looks around for some acknowledging nods. He gets none, except from Emanuel.)
OBAMA: Given this reality — and I'm going to set aside my prepared remarks for a moment, folks — we should probably replace "Perhaps We Might" with something even more honest: "We've Hardly Got a Prayer."
(It starts to rain. People stream from the Mall into buses and subway stations, yelling expletives and trampling their discarded "Yes We Can!" signs into the cold, muddy ground.)
OBAMA: America, when I said at the end of my campaign speeches that, "together, we can change this country and change the world," for some reason many of you took that to mean that together, we can change this country and change the world. Which we probably can't. So when I get to the Oval Office in a few minutes, I'll have someone look into the cause of that misunderstanding.
(Behind the president, a tumbleweed rolls across the nearly empty VIP stand. He taps the microphone in the "Is this thing on?" style of a Borscht Belt comic.)
OBAMA: Finally, in the coming months — as the economy collapses, millions more lose their jobs, and Wall Street executives continue to line their pockets with the $750 billion we gave them with no strings attached — I will use the words of Bart Simpson to remind you, again and again, that, "I didn't do it." Thank you, God bless you, and God bless what's left of the United States of America.
(Sanitation workers picking up trash from the now-empty Mall look up toward Obama and shake their heads. The president turns from the microphone and winks at his chief of staff — the only person still around.)
EMANUEL (smiling): Mission accomplished, Mr. President. Expectations lowered.
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Relax, people. Bill Shein is just having a little fun.
(This column first appeared
in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on Wednesday, November 12, 2008. Click here to read Bill's previous column, "McCain's 'Path to Victory'").
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