by Bill Shein
January 26, 2010

“This is obviously such an exceptionally dramatic, high-profile break with precedent. The question is: What will come next?” – Pamela Harris, director of the Supreme Court Institute at Georgetown Law Center, on the decision in Citizens United v. FEC, which enabled unlimited corporate spending in elections. (Jan. 21)

January 21, 2010 – The Supreme Court today ruled that corporations may spend unlimited sums to elect or defeat candidates for president, Congress, judge, local zoning board member, or even dog catcher. Activists warned that the Citizens United decision takes “corporate personhood” to a dangerous new level. Meanwhile, partying corporate lobbyists and CEOs were too drunk – and too busy high-fiving while screaming “YESSS!!” – to comment. 

April 1, 2010 – The Supreme Court has granted corporations the right to marry, noting that marriage is a “fundamental right for all non-gay persons.” Almost immediately, longtime partners Walmart Stores and China Plastic Junk ‘n’ Stuff, Inc. announced plans to wed – and not via a “second-class” merger or stock-swap. Instead, a full-fledged marriage ceremony will be held on a seaside bluff in Carmel, California. Bride Walmart will reportedly wear black. 

June 14, 2010 – Wrapping up its 2009-2010 term, the Roberts’ Court has ruled that Goldman Sachs, as a corporate person, is within its constitutional rights to adopt human babies. The company celebrated the ruling by holding an elaborate birthday party for its recently adopted daughter, Goldy McSachs, at which Proctor & Gamble did magic tricks and General Electric came dressed as a clown. 

February 5, 2013 – President Sarah Palin praised today’s Supreme Court determination that she may indeed appoint the Halliburton Corporation as secretary of defense. The decision clears the way for Monsanto to head the Department of Agriculture and Peabody Energy, the giant coal producer, to head Interior. Democracy advocates said this was obviously problematic, though not much different from how the government was staffed during the Bush administration. 

March 20, 2023 – The nation’s highest court today ruled that because they “kind of” represent multiple human beings, corporations may use high-occupancy vehicle (HOV) lanes even when driving “alone” on the nation’s highways. 

May 30, 2034 – In what a spokesperson for “Humans are People, Too” called “deeply troubling,” the Supreme Court today ruled that the Constitution allows gay corporations to marry – under the broad power of the Commerce Clause – even though human homosexuals and lesbians may not. Within hours, Barneys New York and Banana Republic said they would soon make “a big announcement.” 

October 11, 2045 – In a long-expected decision, the nation’s highest court today ruled that corporations may themselves be appointed to serve on the Supreme Court. President Goldy McSachs immediately filled two court vacancies with her single parent, Goldman Sachs, and her cousin, Archer Daniels Midland. Said Midland, “Check out my fancy black robe, peeps – it’s made from 100 percent ADM high-fructose corn syrup!”

March 29, 2047 – The Supreme Corporate Court today cheered passage of an amendment that officially inserts the word “corporate” in front of every mention of “person” or “citizen” in the Constitution, stripping human beings of any role in American democracy. 

Chief Justice-for-Perpetual-Life Archer Daniels Midland said, “Human beings are now freed from the tedious and largely irrelevant responsibilities of citizenship in our participatory corpocracy. That means more time to consume products and services without worrying about liberty, freedom, economic or social justice, and other ‘Old America’ ideas.” 

Reporters’ questions were referred to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, where a celebrating spokesman was too drunk to comment.

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“Bill Shein” is a pseudonym used by the founder of “Humans are People, Too,” a revolutionary pro-democracy movement. He/she is currently in hiding.