by Bill Shein
January 12, 2010

“Millions of workers who’ve lost their hold on the labor market are seeing their incomes reset to a permanently lower level. Young people who entered the workforce this year can expect to earn substantially less during their careers than those who start work during booms.” – USA Today, 1/6

EMPLOYER: Thanks for coming back in.

JOB SEEKER: No problem. Though it was hard to find your cubicle. This building is like a labyrinth; all the offices look the same.

EMPLOYER (laughing): Yeah, it’s hard to find your way around this place.

JOB SEEKER: Sure is!

EMPLOYER: So, after reviewing your application, looking at your college transcript, and checking your references, we’re happy to offer you a job. Congratulations!

JOB SEEKER: Wow, that’s great! I’m very excited. My first job. Thanks.

EMPLOYER: So let’s get down to details. We’d like to start you out at $1.35 an hour. How’s that sound?

JOB SEEKER (stunned): I’m sorry, did you say $1.35 an hour?

EMPLOYER: Yes!

JOB SEEKER: But that’s not even minimum wage!

EMPLOYER: Well, as we like to say around here, “Minimum wage, shminimum shmage.”

JOB SEEKER: And benefits?

EMPLOYER: Benefits? You mean besides having a job in this economy?

JOB SEEKER: No, I mean benefits like health insurance.

EMPLOYER: No.

JOB SEEKER: Paid vacation?

EMPLOYER: No.

JOB SEEKER: 401k?

EMPLOYER: Never heard of it.

JOB SEEKER: Sick days?

EMPLOYER: Now that’s funny. Do you do stand-up on the side?

JOB SEEKER: Lunch?

EMPLOYER: Fifteen minutes. Unpaid.

JOB SEEKER: You’ve got to be kidding me.

EMPLOYER: We never kid, kid.

JOB SEEKER (sarcastically): Do I get to use the bathroom?

EMPLOYER: Sure, but there’s a fee.

JOB SEEKER: How much?

EMPLOYER: It’s $1.35 each time.

JOB SEEKER: But that’s a full hour’s wage!

EMPLOYER: You’re good at math. That’s one reason we like you!

JOB SEEKER: Well, I know I haven’t accepted the job yet, but I quit.

EMPLOYER (smiling): You can’t quit – until you pay the agreed-upon “Pre-Employment Termination Fee” of $100.

JOB SEEKER: What? When did I agree to that? I won’t pay.

EMPLOYER: Oh, you’ll pay. It’s in the fine print of your job application. Remember signing your name at the bottom?

JOB SEEKER (resigned, handing over cash): Fine, here.

EMPLOYER: Great!

JOB SEEKER: By the way, what does this company do? How do you make money?

EMPLOYER: Ninety-five percent of our profits come from the “Pre-Employment Termination Fee” paid by people who never actually work for us.

JOB SEEKER: Yes, I can see how that would add up.

EMPLOYER: We just patented the business model. (Checking watch.) Would love to chat, but I’ve got another job offer to make. Can you show yourself out?

JOB SEEKER: Actually, I have no idea how to get out of here.

EMPLOYER: Well, I can walk you to the elevator. But it’ll cost you $10.

JOB SEEKER (after thinking for a moment): That’s how you make the other five percent, yes?

EMPLOYER: You got it, Einstein.

——————————————-

Bill Shein’s latest book, “Verbatim Transcripts from Actual Salary Negotiations, 2008-2010,” is in bookstores now.