Just Say No to Health Care Reform
by Bill Shein
September 3, 2009
Memo to: Opponents of Health Care Reform
From: Headquarters
Re: Round Two
Greetings, fellow patriots. And congratulations on your successful effort to derail Obamacare by creating a screaming, angry, gun-filled fog of misrepresentation and fear. Well done!
Thanks to catchy, made-up notions like “death panels” and “pulling the plug on grandma,” we are poised to further bloody the health-care-reform effort until it requires long-term, and perhaps permanent, hospitalization. (Hopefully it has health insurance. Otherwise, its expensive emergency room care will mean increased costs for everyone.)
Congress will be back in session shortly. We must continue our fight against any legislation that denies insurance companies the God-given right to charge outrageous premiums while routinely refusing to pay for medical treatment, all in the name of fattening their bottom line (aka “rationing” via “controlling utilization”).
Now is the time to intensify our efforts, to join together and say, “Mr. President, we refuse to allow wealthy Hawaiians like you to force working people like us to enjoy affordable health insurance and high quality medical care. Because such a combination would be un-American.”
To help in this fight, here are some new anti-reform arguments you can use. Please distribute widely!
1. The government’s health care plan does not use doctors.
Incredibly, the proposed “public option” is so named because it will use untrained members of the public, chosen at random, to serve as physicians, nurses, anesthesiologists, and surgeons. That’s how it aims to control costs. Medicine in America will be like jury duty; everyone will have to serve. It’s slogan? “One Day or One Surgery.”
2. Guns are not enough.
When protesting health care reform, bring bombs, hand grenades, shoulder-launched missiles, and low-yield battlefield nukes. While a small anti-Bush sign would have earned you a Guantanamo Bay vacation under the previous administration, now it’s totally acceptable to bring assault rifles to presidential events. Take advantage of this inexplicable turn of events to stoke fear.
3. Death panel proceedings will be broadcast live.
To fund his Nazi-inspired plan to help us live long and healthy lives, President Obama will air the deliberations of his death panels on live television (C-SPAN, ESPN2, Fox News). Advertising by funeral homes, casket manufacturers, televangelists promising redemption, and Palin for President 2012 will raise billions in revenue. Simon Cowell and Alec Baldwin will host.
4. Voting history will determine coverage.
Perhaps not surprisingly, under Obama’s plan liberals will receive whatever medical treatment they need or want, while conservatives will receive little or none. Read the bill! It’s in there! Also, in the name of “prevention,” all Republican men will be forced to undergo a weekly prostate exam or face substantial fines.
5. Health care reform is bad for the economy.
Without their share of massive profits, insurance company CEOs can’t build McMansions and spend money frivolously. This means less work for builders and contractors, which will cascade through the economy and destroy countless jobs. Can we really afford reform?
6. Expanded insurance coverage will increase global warming.
With millions of Americans able to afford health care, the number of trips to the doctor will increase dramatically. That means more driving, more burning of fossil fuel, more greenhouse gases, and a rapid end to the earth’s ability to sustain human life. Ironic, eh?
7. We don’t want a wildly popular health care system like those in socialist havens like Canada, England and France.
To make this point, distort the truth as follows: Hire a movie make-up artist to make you look like the victim of a flesh-eating virus. Walk through busy public places, moaning and tearing bits of “flesh” off your face. Speaking with a British accent, tell everyone, “I’m still on a waiting list to see a doctor in London.”
Now get out there, friends, and put a stop to any mature discussion of sensible health care reform. We’ll have more outlandish anti-reform arguments for you soon. And when the going gets rough, just remember the oft-misquoted words of that great American patriot, Patrick Henry: “Give me liberty, or give me death by denying treatment of my pre-existing condition!”
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Full disclosure: Bill Shein is VP-Business Development for the Union of Movie Make-Up Artists.
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Reader Comments (24)
I'm with you, Bill Shein! Thanks for sh(e)ining your light on this troublesome subject.
I would rather die right now (and I probably will, with the health care system we have at present), than to see Obama succeed in his self-serving, ego-ridden quest to help as many Americans get health care as he can. How totally, totally UN American. What does he care about the poor rich? All he cares about is the poor poor. Again ... how totally totally UNAmerican!
But then he isn't really an American, is he! We all know about that birther problem of his. He's a Hawaiian at best, and a Kenyan at worst. We would like to lei our hands on his REAL birth certificate.
Keep up the good fight, Bill! I'm with you 101%.
Mary from CT
Geez, Bill, you left out the part about how medical care for elderly Americans will be rationed--or omitted entirely if they don't agree to euthanasia!
What I fail to understand is how all these screaming idiots believe what they're spouting. SURELY they've had claims denied and seen payments to their doctors delayed and nit-picked until it becomes an embarrassment to call their offices for another appointment!
Single-payer? I've got Medicare now, and it's the best insurance I've ever had!
GO Obama!
If I can't have the same witch doctors and death panels I've always used, I'm not interested.
I have it on good authority that next week President Obama will detail plans for "Undead Panels" -- zombies who will pass judgement on America's elderly and decide whose brains to eat.
Seems to me we have a number of Republican zombies who will be happy to volunteer for the "undead Panels". At long last, something useful for these folks!
You blew it. I knew you would eventually. Item 4 has Republicans in both the House and Senate lining up to endorse the bill once they added the "I want a doctor with thick fingers" amendment.
Hey pretty funny! Why can't more liberals have a sense of humor? You actually make your points better this way.
BTW- Keep that sense of humor, I'm afraid you're going to need it soon.
Very humorous and well put. However, the minority of us over on the right (as opposed to Republicans) do have legitimate concerns. Our family happens to have close relatives in Canada and have seen first hand how their system does not work. To the chagrin of many friends, I listen to NPR to keep up with my left leaning brethren, and was amazed to hear their proponent of health care reform (a Princeton professor no less) complain that his brother in England receives free medication for a heart condition but has been denied an operation that would eventually save his life. We lesser neo-Nazis are not opposed to health care reform. Health care should be universally available. Pretty radical, for a conservative. There are many abuses in our present system that should be corrected (doctors being paid by the number of tests they order, and excessive litigation settlements for two). However, the attempt by the current administration to classify all health care opponents as card carrying opposition to the human race, is rather counter productive, don't you think? We have legitimate concerns which should be discussed and addressed and not relegated (by either side) to 30 second sound bytes designed to create hysteria.
Holy cow, Bill!
How COULD your readers have missed the sarcasm in your article? It boggles my mind ... I thought your readers were more astute than that.
But, never mind. If you've lost the readership of such types, it may not be a BIG loss after all. Maybe we should consider this a sort of weeding out process you've put us through.
If one doesn't always keep one's sense of humor when it comes to politics, one would be looking for "death panel" exits to alleviate his/her political traumas, no matter what the age.
Please don't be discouraged by those who "just don't get it". We who DO "get it" really enjoy your Stephen Colbert type of humor! (Bet those who have taken after you really believe Colbert is actually a Republican neo-con, or whatever it is he purports to be on HIS excellent program.)
Keep up the good work and shine on, Bill Shein!!!
Mary ;)
You don't have to apologize just because some people are not intelligent enought to detect the sarcasm in your razor sharp wit. This is one independent reader who will not ever stop reading (and enjoying) your columns!
@KC - I'm with you.
While I believe that a single-payer system is, ultimately, the best solution (one that we create that's even better than Canada or England, given that we are already willing to spend more national treasure on health care), you are dead-on correct that we need a proper, serious debate about all these issues.
What's happened so far this summer has been anything but, which is what this piece is meant to highlight. For example, instead of nonsense about "death panels," we should have had a serious discussion about health care and end-of-life issues -- a mature discussion that we've never really had in this country.
It seems the vast majority of Americans recognize the need for substantial reform, with only a very, very small group hurling absurdist "Nazi" arguments. Conflict sells on TV news, of course, which is why those loud voices at town halls have received so much coverage.
Let's hope we can have a serious, rational, fact-based debate in the coming weeks and months. With a few jokes and a little satire thrown in, of course ;)
--B
@Bill Shein's Mom -- Remember when I asked you to post some kind words on the site? And I said, "Whatever you do, don't sign your post 'Bill Shein's Mom'?" Were you not listening? Love, Billy
Over the past 6 months, I've experienced the absolute frustration of seeing seniors dishonored and marginalized by an (guess what?) insurance company, namely Conseco. Conseco issued long-term care policies in the early 90's with the object of gaining market share and fame for being the largest LTC insurer. The company had little regard for the quality of poorly-written policies.
when profits began to plummit in an economic downturn Conseco was besieged by its stockholders, and creditors to dump the policies, so, they came up with the brilliant idea of placing all 170,000 senior policies into a not-for-profit trust, seed the trust with 175 million dollars (paultry sum for the number of policies), and sever the company (Conseco) from any further responsibility: accomplished with the full cooperation of the Pennsylvania insurance commissioner (Pennsylvania is where the policies are legally domiciled, although they are spread around the country.)
The kicker is, the policyholders were not informed in advance of the pending trust and, therefore had no chance to voice their opinions in a PUBLIC HEARING prior to approval.
Currently the stand-alone trust has a C rating (poor chance for survival) by A.M. Best, the premier insurance rating agency.
Just an example of the lack of quality and scruples of a large insurance company whose CEO pulls in one million and a half per year.
Do we need an overhaul of the current insurance system? You be the judge.
Bill S., Lenox, MA
Now I am truly disappointed, and perhaps have grounds to sue you. I have already paid my cable company a non-refundable deposit for the "Death Panel Channel" because here in Canada, that kind of violence can't be on-air or basic cable.
Worse, I had committed my company to an advertising contract! (We modify government-issued id's and were anticipating a return to profitability with our "Officially too Young for the Panel" product for boomers. It involves a unique chemical that puts a hologram-like 6 over any 5 or 4 in a birth certificate, driver's license or passport. We bought the rights to the chemical from a skilled counterfeiter who found out that changing $5 bills to $6 bills wasn't working for him.)
Note to Don Thompson,
Sorry to read about your sending that non-refundable deposit to enroll you in that "Death Panel Channel" up there in Canada.
I would write to that cable company's president (Sara Palin?) and state the reason for your wanting to subscribe. And if you sign your name Levi Johnston, I'm sure you'll get a refund ... (she probably doesn't want to risk hearing more revealing stuff from that quarter.)
As to that contract with that company that "puts a hologram-like 6 over any 5 or 4 in a birth certificate, driver's license or passport", you should have deep sixed that effort. Even some one as gullible as I am found that rather ... suspect.
But take heart, Don. I'm willing to chip in to help you out of your quandary. I am forwarding a 6 dollar bill to you. Please wait until the ink on it dries before using it, tho. Okay?
Yours in supportive friendship,
Mary from CT.
If I can't have the same thick-fingered, faith-based, rational, sarcastic witch doctors and hologram-like zombie Canadian death panels I've always had, I'm not interested.
As one of those who reacted too soon in defense of the President ~ believing
Bill's humor was just another idiot attack ~ I apologize to Bill and to his Mother.
As a personal mea culpa I will forward Bill's offerings to every right wing
blockhead ~ and even some left wing blockheads ~ that I can. Including a
number of elected folks, as well.
Art
Hi Bill,
I was one of those readers that saw the topic and went berserk!!!!! With your explanation I was able to compose myself and apologize for jumping to very wrong conclusions. When I reread my comment I sounded like the "Just Say No Group".
It seems unbelievable to me, that this is the Nation that will be the first to send help to the needy in an underprivileged Country. We will come to the rescue of any dog on the streets, but we will refuse Basic health care to our fellow Americans and we will scream down with no compassion for a handy cap lady in a wheel chair. The screaming Christians have forgotten, “Charity Begins at Home”.
Thank you again for your very patient reply and I am sorry to
Call you a member of “The Party of No”.
Keep up the good work!
Jessie Gayden
Dear Bill,
You ignorant slut. How dare you bring nuanced sarcasm into what is obviously a black and white, pre-chewed news matter.
Time to put on my Star Wars Villain costume and parade around as Darth Panels. "Hey Alderon? Got coverage?"
@Art - Alas, no apology needed. And you should have no problem finding blockheads of all varieties out on the InterWeb(TM). It sometimes feels like that's the only thing we still make in America ;)
@Jessie G - No problem and thanks.
@Ryk M - Wait. Someone told me that "nuanced sarcasm" would be my ticket to fame and riches. It's not? Oh, darn. Time for Plan B: Are you going to finish that? And the rest of you -- send canned food, STAT.