By Bill Shein
September 29, 2009

Do you ever wake up and ask, “What is New York Times op-ed columnist David Brooks doing right now? I’ve always wondered what he does all day.”

Short of hiring a private investigator, we can only imagine what it would be like to be David Brooks for a day. Though it would probably go something … like … this:

7:00 a.m. – Wake up from beautiful, recurring dream in which President Obama runs every decision past his smartest advisor, David Brooks.

7:20 a.m. – Put kids on bus: Irving (Kristol), Will (Buckley), and Ron (Reagan).

7:30 a.m. – Enjoy hazelnut-flavored skim double-cappuccino (with extra foam).

7:31 a.m. – Turn on computer. Navigate to nytimes.com. Visit my columnist page. Admire dapper photo showing trendsetting combination of pink Oxford dress shirt and mostly pink necktie.

7:40 a.m. – Shower, shave, flex muscles in bathroom mirror until wife’s giggling becomes unbearable.

7:55 a.m. – Open closet to reveal 400 pink Oxford dress shirts. Pull one out, eyeball it, and put it back. Choose another. Get dressed.

8:05 a.m. – While enjoying egg-white omelet and second hazelnut cappuccino, read four books.

9:00 a.m. – Arrive at New York Times office. Take elevator to Op-Ed department. Note that liberal slackers Dowd, Herbert, Krugman, Collins and Kristof haven’t arrived yet. Scoff in their general direction.

9:05 a.m. – Read the Wall Street Journal, remembering the good old days when I worked at “the daily diary of the American Dream.”

9:20 a.m. – Make notes for possible column, titled, “I Am So Much Smarter Than You, Reader.”

9:30 a.m. – Think about how much I love Barack Obama.

9:31 a.m. – Think about how much I hate Barack Obama.

9:32 a.m. – Unable to reconcile simultaneous love and hatred of Barack Obama, curl up under desk in fetal position.

9:35 a.m. – Think about how much I love pink Oxford dress shirts. Climb out from under desk, happy again.

9:45 a.m. – Read 11 more books.

10:10 a.m. – Drop by Krugman’s office. Look over his shoulder while he writes another column about climate change. Make “hmmm” sounds. Eventually, chuckle and say, “Well, if you say so. Why don’t you just write your column in Swedish, Dr. Nobel Prize Genius!”

10:20 a.m. – Review latest issue of popular magazines Grit and NASCAR Illustrated. Marvel at how in touch I am with regular Americans.

10:45 a.m. – Get pedicure.

11:05 a.m. – Read 22 more books.

12:15 p.m. – Look at calendar. Appreciate that yet another day has passed since I wrote those Weekly Standard columns breathlessly supporting the Iraq invasion while deriding the “peace camp.”

12:20 p.m. – Embrace my Canadian birth, and just-a-regular-guy-ness, by wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey while reading (and mocking) the New York Review of Books.

1:05 p.m. – Drop by Kristof’s office. Look over his shoulder while he writes another column about health care. Make “hmmm” sounds. Eventually, chuckle and say, “Well, if you say so, Mr. Fancy Pants Pulitzer Prize for Commentary winner!”

1:20 p.m. – Re-read all 37 books read earlier today.

3:30 p.m. – E-mail webmaster@mensa.com noting several grammatical errors on Mensa’s home page.

4:10 p.m. – Tell op-ed editor that I’ll file my column after “taking a walk to clear my head.” Get into elevator.

4:20 p.m. – Meet Bill Kristol, editor of the neoconservative Weekly Standard, in parking garage sub-basement. Accept copy of next “David Brooks” column on foreign policy, this one breathlessly urging an escalation of the war in Afghanistan. Return to office.

4:25 p.m. – Edit column slightly. Add suggestion that U.S. soldiers wear bulletproof pink Oxford dress shirts to remind them of the super-genius neoconservative hawks who masterminded the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

4:26 p.m. – Remove suggestion that soldiers wear bulletproof pink dress shirts. File column.

4:55 p.m. – Send e-mail to Times Editor Bill Keller: “Please remind everyone that food in the staff fridge marked ‘David Brooks’ belongs exclusively to David Brooks. Thanks.”

4:57 p.m. – Read 74 more books.

4:59 p.m. – Just before heading home, respond to unusual inquiry from Berkshire Eagle fact-checker, asking how many pink Oxford dress shirts I own.

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Bill Shein once owned a pink Oxford dress shirt. In 1983.