By Bill Shein
September 18, 2009

“Only once during Obama’s [Wall Street] speech did financial executives give the president applause.” – Christian Science Monitor, Sept. 14

PRESIDENT OBAMA (wrapping up): We must move from a period of recklessness and crisis to one of responsibility and prosperity. And I’m confident that we will. Thank you. 

(His scolding of Wall Street finished, Obama shakes a few hands and quickly leaves the room. While the executives sit quietly in their seats, the media head out to file their stories. After a few minutes, Obama returns.)

OBAMA (to an aide): Have all the reporters left? Are the doors locked? 

(The aide touches his earpiece and then nods to the president.)

OBAMA (with mock seriousness): Gentlemen, as I said, we must end reckless behavior and unchecked excess. We can’t continue to hand out billions in cash and zero-percent loans, or use trillions in public money to guarantee your bad debts. You’ve got to stop acting like robber barons. 

(The executives fidget nervously, not sure where the president is going.)

OBAMA: But most of all, know this: I am absolutely, totally kidding! 

(After a beat, the room erupts in uncontrollable laughter and eardrum-shattering applause.) 

OBAMA: We’re not really going to change anything at all, boys! 

(As the crowd cheers again, the president smiles, laughs, and waves.) 

OBAMA (chuckling): Oh man, you guys were great: The stony silence. The lack of applause. The head shaking. Truly an Oscar-worthy performance. You actually seemed concerned that new, meaningful regulation might pass Congress. 

EXECUTIVES: Regulation bad! Status quo good! 

OBAMA: Of course, you’ll lobby any legislation into watered-down, loophole-filled absurdity. And when the economy improves, the public will lose interest, anyway. 

EXECUTIVES: Legislation bad! Loopholes good! 

OBAMA: Oh, and thanks for not laughing out loud when I said that “you don’t have to wait” to end your most outrageous practices, even before Congress takes up legislation. Because honestly, that was the funniest and most naïve thing a president has said in a long time. 

EXECUTIVE #1: Funnier than Jon Stewart! 

EXECUTIVE #2: More naïve than seniors who bought our expensive reverse mortgages! 

OBAMA: Now, let’s review where things stand. As expected, I’ve filled my administration with Wall Street insiders and defenders of the economic status quo. 

EXECUTIVES: Woo hoo! 

OBAMA: Did you know that many top aides to my Treasury secretary used to work for Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, and Citigroup? 

(The executives feign surprise, raise their eyebrows at each other, and then burst into convulsive laughter.) 

OBAMA: Over the past year, very few of you have lost your jobs while millions of working Americans have. Many big banks have consolidated – often with government help – and become even bigger. The Federal Reserve is secretly doing your bidding. And Wall Street continues to make billions by trading risky, unregulated derivatives. 

EXECUTIVES: Ka-ching! 

OBAMA (smiling): You know, if Americans really knew what “socialist” meant, they wouldn’t call me one. Because we’re helping you privatize profits while socializing risk and losses. That’s Consumer Capitalism 101. Am I right? 

(The president leads the executives in a boisterous call-and-response, with half the crowd yelling “Privatize profits!” while the other half screams “Socialize losses!” until the room collapses in laughter and hoarseness.)

OBAMA: Finally, let me wish you success with your new plan to profit from securitized life-insurance policies. Rolling them up like you did with subprime mortgages. With all the talk of government “death panels,” it’s amusing that you’ll make more money when people don’t live as long as expected. 

(Someone yells, “People are going to start having ‘accidents’, eh?” This is met with cackling and loud applause.) 

OBAMA (laughing): Alright, I’ve got to get back to Washington. Let’s keep all of this between us – like we have for generations. 

EXECUTIVES: Yes we can!

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Based on his bank statement, Bill Shein’s losses are definitely not being socialized.