By Bill Shein
July 16, 2009

“Pet Airways is the first airline exclusively dedicated to pets – no humans please – and we take the job of providing a comfortable experience for pets very seriously.” – From petairways.com, the Web site of a new airline “where pets fly in the main cabin, NOT in cargo!”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (a well-coiffed Standard Poodle): Good afternoon, everyone. A few announcements as we push away from the gate for our nonstop flight to London. First, those of you in an exit row may be asked to assist in the event of an emergency.

CHOW #1 (to another CHOW): Sorry, but I help no one but my human companion. It’s my nature.

CHOW #2: Amen, brother Chow.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:Those of you in heat, please remember that FAA, ASPCA, and Pet Airways regulations allow only one passenger in the lavatory at a time.

(There is sustained whimpering among the passengers.)

YELLOW LAB (suddenly lying down in the aisle): Rub my belly! Rub my belly! Someone, anyone, just for a minute, RUB MY BELLY!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Please, sir, return to your seat. Now, the captain has asked that all Invisible Fence radio collars remain off until we reach cruising altitude. Not that anyone wants those awful things on. Am I right?

(There is widespread nodding. Someone says, “Those things are evil, pure and simple.”)

 FLIGHT ATTENDANT: After we reach cruising altitude, business class travelers may use their treat coupons at any time. So sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight on Pet Airways.

ENGLISH BULLDOG (to PUG in business class): Are you finished with that International Herald Tribune, bloke?

PUG (wearing reading glasses): Yes. I have The Economist, too.

BULLDOG (taking newspaper): Cheers, mate.

(The plane takes off amid much panicked barking and terrified howling. After a beverage service that offers just water, dinner is served.)

DOBERMAN(wearing a business suit): Excuse me, Miss? This dinner is disgusting. I’d heard about airline food, but this must be made from chicken beaks and feet.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: It is. Pet Airways policy is to serve the same food you get at home.

DOBERMAN (shocked): What? Dog food is made from chicken beaks and feet?

BURMESE CAT (rolling her eyes while cleaning herself): You dogs really are stupid, aren’t you?

DOBERMAN (baring his teeth): Maybe. But not so stupid that we lick our entire body to get “clean,” idiot.

(Sensing a confrontation brewing, the flight attendant alerts the captain – a huge St. Bernard – who squeezes his enormous, pilot-uniformed body down the aisle. In doing so, he hits several passengers with long trails of drool.)

BURMESE CAT (drenched in dog saliva): Great. Just perfect! Now I have to start all over.

CAPTAIN: What seems to be the problem? (He puts his enormous head on the Doberman’s back in the common show of dominance.)

DOBERMAN (busily typing a message into his Blackberry): Nothing, captain. It’s over.

CAPTAIN (excited): Will you shake on that? Shake? Shake? Can you shake?

DOBERMAN (resigned): Okay. (He holds up his paw.)

CAPTAIN: Good boy!

BURMESE CAT(shaking her head): Stupid fleabags.

(In the back of the plane, a Chihuahua, looking even more nervous than Chihuahuas normally do, is licking a wound on his foreleg.)

SIBERIAN HUSKY: Hey, what happened?

CHIHAUHAU (looking around nervously): I’m bustin’ out, man. Can’t spend another day carried around in some lady’s purse, looking like an idiot. So I had to chew on my own arm to get that stupid tracking chip out.

HUSKY: Whoa, that’s huge.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Just a reminder, everyone: Please don’t drink from the toilet in the lavatory. Remember: “If it’s clear, have no fear. If it’s blue, it’s not for you.” (She giggles.)

PUG (to BULLDOG): The flight attendants on Southwest are much funnier.

ENGLISH BULLDOG: So true, chap. So true.

YELLOW LAB (leaping into the business class aisle): C’mon, someone rub my belly! SOMEONE RUB MY BELLY!

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This column was written by Ella the Dog and Django the Cat. It was then edited slightly by their friend, Bill Shein.