By Bill Shein
February 2, 2009

There’s a lot going on in Washington these days, and it’s simply not possible for C-SPAN to cover it all.

Why? Because the 30-year-old network has just three channels for 24/7 coverage of the House, Senate, and related political happenings. And that includes gavel-to-gavel coverage from important forums like the House Select Sub-Sub-Subcommittee on Forest Service Uniforms and Secret Handshakes.

But did you know that C-SPAN will soon add several new channels to its line-up of C-SPAN, C-SPAN2 (aka “The Deuce”), and C-SPAN3 (aka “Think-Tank-a-Palooza”)? Even though C-SPAN executives will deny their ambitious plans, in the coming weeks our public-affairs programming choices will be augmented with channels like these:

C-SPAN4 – Remember that old show “Mystery Science Theater 3000”? Viewers of C-SPAN4 will laugh until their sides ache as bloviating politicians on C-SPAN are mocked, pilloried, and looked-down-upon by futuristic robot satirists who appear, in shadow, on the bottom of today’s fancy letterbox TVs. Best of all, designing, building, programming and managing the robots will, according to one Obama administration estimate, create four million new jobs by a week from Thursday. It’s political comedy that’s Stimu-Tastic!

C-SPAN5 – Ever wonder who’s watching C-SPAN at any given moment across America? Me neither. Regardless, this reality-show network will air live footage of random Americans as they watch C-SPAN in their homes. And with an Internet connection, C-SPAN5 viewers can chat in real time with each other, mocking callers, anchors, random C-SPAN watchers, and America’s elected officials for hours of low-carbon-emitting fun.

C-SPAN6 – A public-affairs network for kids, C-SPAN6 will follow longtime C-SPAN anchor Steve Scully – dressed in his foam “Stimmy the Economic Engine” locomotive costume – as he travels the country to show children how the trillion-odd dollars in “stimulus” money is being spent. With its upbeat music and smiling anchors, C-SPAN6 will help distract children from the personality-distorting news that someday they’ll have to repay the trillions in corporate bailouts, bad-debt guarantees, and economic stimulus money we’re using to “fix” today’s economic mess. “Look, kids! Here comes Stimmy with cookies and stimulus-funded Nintendo Wii’s for everyone!”

C-SPAN7 – Can’t get enough of our new rock-star president? C-SPAN7 features endless, fawning, Huffington Post-esque photo slideshows and video footage of the president in his cool sunglasses, often without his shirt on, and sometimes on his way to the gym. Audio clips of President Obama making witty comments are played at random. (SFX: Sound of people fainting from sheer delight.)

C-SPAN8 – Nicknamed “The Hypocrisy Channel,” this premium C-SPAN channel – for adults only – features under-the-covers reporting on the affairs, liaisons, illicit hook-ups, corruption, graft, and assorted personal failings of our not-so-pristine public officials. Enjoy the irony as those preaching to us about how to live our lives “get busy” breaking their own rules day after day!

C-SPAN9 – This brilliant, low-budget C-SPAN channel features an endless video loop of former President George W. Bush walking across the Capitol grounds, getting into a big helicopter, and flying away forever. Test viewers of C-SPAN9 call it “a sure-fire way to lift your spirits,” with some suggesting it’s as good as hours of silent meditation for reducing blood pressure. In a pilot program, hospitals airing C-SPAN9 in patient rooms report that recovery time after major surgery has been cut by more than 50 percent.

C-SPAN10 – On this channel, watch in horror (and amusement) as Americans who don’t have C-SPAN smack themselves repeatedly in the forehead with a large piece of wood. Why? To simulate the feeling one gets while watching American politicians on C-SPAN “debating” the “issues” to find “solutions” that “benefit” “everyone.” (Sponsored by Excedrin!)

C-SPAN1040 – Nothing but nonstop coverage of the tax problems of Obama appointees. Zing!

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Bill Shein once watched 36 hours of C-SPAN without a break. It was for a newspaper story, and not for fun. But perhaps that’s obvious.