by Bill Shein
February 27, 2009

“White House Fellowships offer exceptional young men and women first-hand experience working at the highest levels of the federal government.”
– From whitehouse.gov

To: President Obama
From: Bill Shein
Re: Job application

Mr. President: Please consider this letter as my formal application to the White House Fellows program.

As you know, since 1964 the program has offered “exceptional” young men and women the opportunity to serve in the White House. I hope in this case – just this once – that requirement will be waived.

Why? With humility, sir, I believe that I can serve as a (paid) advisor in a unique and necessary capacity. Mr. President, I propose to become the nation’s first White House Fellow for Humorous Affairs.

What does that mean? It means that I will be your personal jester, on call 24/7 to amuse you with crazy antics, delight you with witty text messages, whisper smart-alecky things that mock congressional blowhards, deploy cream pies as needed, and keep you in good spirits as you tend to the nation’s business. I’ll be like the Poet Laureate, but with even fewer marketable job skills.

The American people know that to stay sane, a president must occasionally put aside the burdens of office – as President Bush liked to do for most of each business day. Since you have no “brush” to “clear,” Mr. President, I will serve as your brush.

Yes, I know that sentence makes no sense. Are you laughing at its absurdity? Chuckling at its silliness? You are? Then, Mr. President, I have proven my qualifications to be jester-in-chief.

Just imagine that you’re in the Oval Office receiving your morning intelligence briefing. As you furrow your brow and nod solemnly, feeling the weight of the presidency bearing down on your increasingly gray temples, suddenly I appear – perhaps dressed as Nancy Pelosi – holding an enormous balloon animal. And not just any balloon animal, sir: A one-of-a-kind balloon-animal likeness of CIA Director Leon Panetta, the man briefing you at that very moment!

Dude! (May I call you “dude”?) That gag would absolutely slay your chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel. And even Panetta’s dour, doughy mug might crack a smile. Tension broken, heads cleared, graying of temples slowed, mission accomplished.

During your weekly lunch with Vice President Joe Biden, I’ll sit nearby, poised and ready. If (when?) he strays into blathering incoherence, I’ll quietly place a sock in my mouth and arch my eyebrows at you, suggesting the vice president should put a sock in it. Not bad, eh? Perhaps a bit hack, but eventually we’ll get our comic sensibilities in sync.

Some may argue that a presidential jester is an expense the nation can’t afford. Indeed, as you’ll see in the attached 47-page contract rider, I’ll require a base salary of $280,000, full health coverage, unlimited Orangina, and a budget for prank calls to ex-girlfriends to say, “So, guess where ‘Mr. Non-Stop Jokey Joke Who Will Never Amount to Anything’ is calling from?”

With respect, sir, a presidential jester is an expense that you can’t not afford – a special adviser who will use weird double negatives to lighten the mood as you go through the budget, line by line, to find which program for the elderly you’ll cut to pay my salary.

Let’s face it: You’ve got plenty of advisors who know policy as if their jobs depend on it. (After the last administration, we certainly hope they do.) But is there anyone focused like a laser on keeping you relaxed and amused? Someone with years of experience mocking politics? A dedicated American, ready to serve, for whom a mere $5,384.62 per week will suffice?

Mr. President, my bags are packed. My bank account is empty, ready to receive my first White House paycheck. I look forward to hearing from you – and to seeing your reaction when I deliver cream pies to the shocked faces of visiting heads of state.

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The advice in Bill Shein’s book, “International Diplomacy: Like a Cream Pie to the Face,” has led to several regional conflicts.