By Bill Shein
December 22, 2009

“The 404 or ‘Not Found’ error message is a standard response indicating that the server could not find what was requested.” – Wikipedia

Look, it’s really quite simple. And, with respect, we’ve spelled it out for you in very plain language: “The page you requested could not be found.” What more do you need to know? 

We’re not calling you dumb, but does that sentence need explanation?

Under “More Information,” on the same page, we listed the possibilities, as follows: “The page you requested may have been moved, deleted, subpoenaed, translated into a language you certainly don’t know, re-coded to present white text on a white background (making it unreadable), turned into a podcast or whittled down into a ‘tweet,’ compromised by a virus, launched into space, stolen by elves, accidentally shredded, sucked into a worm hole to the eighth dimension, or possibly removed by agents from the Department of Education’s Rapid Response Run-On Sentence Deletion Team.” 

Did you really need to e-mail our webmaster using expletives and holier-than-thou claims about how you “could build a better Web site using papier-mache and a compost pile”? It’s just a Web page, brother. There are billions upon billions of them available at any moment. Hundreds on our site alone. Surely you’ll find another of interest. 

So, we’re sorry we can’t locate the page you want, which could not be found. Maybe we’ll find it someday, but not today. There’s nothing else we can do. 

Of course, this moment offers a chance for self-reflection. Ask yourself: Do you really need to view yet another Web page? 

We’re not making judgments, but based on the tracking cookies we’ve dropped on your laptop, under the hood of your car, in the soles of your shoes, and between two of your vertebrae, you could stand to get away from the computer for a while. Get some fresh air, even. 

Are you waiting for us to say that the page you requested can indeed be found? That we know exactly where it is? That many other people are accessing it right now, wholly unaware that we’ve singled you out for a “page not found” error message?

Wow, get over yourself, Mr. Paranoid Center of the Universe.

Besides, why would we do that? Because the Department of Homeland Security has instructed us to block your access to this page? Thanks to the “Patriot” Act, of course, we’re not at liberty to say. Though it’s awfully cocky of you to think the government cares what Web sites you visit. Yes, yes, in today’s 24/7 surveillance culture we’re all considered suspects, but still: Ours is a site about knitting. Our needles may be pointy, but they’re hardly weapons of mass destruction. 

How about a compromise? You send us a check for, say, $10.00, and we’ll find the page and print it out, in color, and mail it to you. Sure, seems old school, but that’s the best we can do. Ten dollars will be ample incentive for us to “find” the Web page that “can’t” be found, and make it available to you. Deal?

The irony, of course, is that the page you requested is pretty dull. Not very useful. Boring, in fact. We’re embarrassed that it was on our site at all, but it was created by an intern who just happens to be the son of our vice president of content, and, well, you know about office politics, right? In this job market, it’s stupid to ruffle feathers.

So let us know. We’ll watch the mail for your check.

In the meantime, click here to (foolishly) try reloading the page. Or click here to return to our home page. Or click here to erase your hard drive. (Kidding!) Or click here if you just like clicking blue, underlined text that doesn’t do anything at all. Pretty clever joke, eh?

Yeah, we’re pretty smart. But not smart enough to find that page you requested. 

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Bill Shein is Director of IT Support Services on the Island of Missing Web Pages.