By Bill Shein
January 10, 2009

"QVC will sell memorabilia at Obama inauguration." — Associated Press, Jan. 6

CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: Mr. President-elect, are you ready to take the oath of office?

QVC HOST (suddenly appearing in the corner of the TV screen): Aren't the robes worn by Supreme Court justices great-looking? Well, now you can enjoy your very own black-and-gold, faux-fur-lined "Obama Inauguration Robe," an exact replica of the one worn by members of the highest court in the land!

(A smiling woman models the robe in the QVC studio. She spins a few times and then demonstrates the detachable hood. )

QVC HOST: It's warm, stylish, and has large pockets for storing the Obama-themed merchandise that's only available during this QVC broadcast.

OBAMA: "I, Barack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear . . ."

QVC HOST: Speaking of swearing, for the next five minutes we're offering a special Obama inauguration edition of George Carlin's classic comedy album, "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television." And if President Obama uses any of the seven words in his speech today, this commemorative will surely increase in value. Call now!

OBAMA: ". . . that I will faithfully execute . . ."

QVC HOST: Did you vote for John McCain, author of "Faith of My Fathers"? Worried that Obama will destroy America? Well, that's all the more reason to own — and use! — this beautiful set of Obama family shot glasses for just $89.95. Each one features a hand-painted image of Barack, Michelle, Sasha or Malia. And when the Obamas finally get that puppy, we'll ship a bonus shot glass featuring the first pup!

OBAMA: ". . . the office of president of the United States . . ."

QVC HOST: The "office" of president is serious business, but the NBC comedy, "The Office," is business of the hilarious kind! Get the third season on DVD right now for just $59.95, and we'll include this QVC original: A beautiful popcorn bowl emblazoned with an election-night photo of Barack Obama and Joe Biden!

(The robe-wearing woman is now sitting in front of a big TV, joined by a robe-wearing man. The Obama-Biden popcorn bowl is between them. The man leans over to fill two Obama shot glasses with whiskey, and they both smile.)

OBAMA: ". . . and will, to the best of my ability . . ."

QVC HOST: Remember, with QVC you have the ability to pay for anything with five easy payments. That's why QVC is the best place to satisfy the basic human need for commemorative trinkets!

OBAMA: ". . . preserve . . ."

QVC HOST: Does Michelle Obama's mother make delicious strawberry preserves? Well, she just might! And strawberry preserves are best when spread on fresh, warm bread you can make at home with George Foreman's Obama Inauguration Bread Machine, now just $14.95 plus $189.95 shipping and handling.

OBAMA: ". . . protect . . ."

QVC HOST: Be sure to protect your purchases with QVC's E-Z Extended Warranty. Just pay double the advertised price and we'll replace the item if it breaks during the first 72 hours it's in your home. No questions asked!

OBAMA: ". . . and defend . . ."

QVC HOST: I don't know about you, but I love Alan Rickman as Severus Snape, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And if you're a "Harry Potter" fan too, you simply must have this limited edition "Harry Potter Meets Barack Obama" blanket.

(The robe-wearing couple holds up the blanket. It shows Obama and Harry, side by side, wielding magic wands against Dementors wearing GOP lapel pins.)

OBAMA: ". . . the Constitution of the United States of America."

QVC HOST: Speaking of the U.S. Constitution, be sure to write your congressman in support of H.J.R. 666, an amendment that would deny the right to vote to any American who isn't a member of QVC's Trinket-of-the-Month Club. Remember, citizens: The road to economic recovery is 70 percent paved with foolish consumer spending. And QVC is here to help!

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A commemorative plate featuring this Bill Shein column will be available soon.