By Bill Shein
January 1, 2009

Even though it's tempting, in 2009 I will not convert my PayPal account into a bank holding company so that I'm eligible for money from the government's financial bailout fund.

I will also stop submitting applications for bailout money by claiming to be a representative of "SheinCorp International Bank and Trust," or "CitiShein," or "SheinMu," or "JP Morgan Shein," or "Bill Shein's Poorly Managed Detroit Motors Corporation."

However, if I do secure some bailout money, I will not use it to acquire other banks, enjoy luxury junkets, build a corporate nest egg for some nonspecific future use, or pad my year-end bonus — even though that's what most banks are doing with the money.

In 2009, I will exercise for at least 20 minutes every day. But on days when I don't, I will spend at least 20 minutes remembering, with fondness, any of the times that I did exercise for 20 minutes. And while fondly remembering that past exercise, I will try not to eat an entire bag of honey-mustard pretzel bits, even though 20 minutes is precisely the amount of time it takes to eat an entire bag of honey-mustard pretzel bits. That's according to Wikipedia, and not based on my personal experience. (For more information, see my newly registered Web site at "pretzelbits.com.")

In my work as a political pundit, I will stop using the phrase "game-changer" in every third sentence. Why? Because the existence of a single political pundit who does not use the phrase "game-changer" in every third sentence would itself be a game-changer. Got it?

In 2009 I will expand my efforts to convince America that Facebook was created by extraterrestrials to distract and subdue human beings in advance of the coming alien invasion. I will do this by updating my Facebook status to read, "Bill Shein is busy warning America to stop 'friending' each other and throwing virtual 'snowballs' and, instead, start preparing for the coming alien invasion."

This year I will personally lobby Congress in support of a law that makes unnecessary use of the "Reply All" button punishable by death.

When calling any corporation's customer service line in 2009, I will no longer believe that my call is important to them. Or that "the current wait time is less than two minutes." Or that my question can be answered at the company's Web site. Or that the customer service rep is named "Sam" when his accent suggests he is from a place where not a single person is named "Sam. " Or that I'm about to be transferred to someone who can help me, when, in fact, I'm about to be disconnected.

Once I reach the end of this sentence, and for the next 12 months, I will save money by not registering every Internet domain name that seems marketable, including "seemsmarketable.com," the domain name I registered, in another window, just moments ago.

In 2009, when trying to convince people not to waste their time watching television news (e.g., "It actually removes facts from your brain!"), I will include some easier-to-embrace reasons like, "Anyone who successfully stops watching television news in 2009 will be entered in a drawing to win a new iPod Touch!"

Finally, I will no longer tell people that I'm "a little-known member of the Kennedy family." Some may recall that I make this resolution every year, but it's been difficult to keep, especially now that I want to be appointed to a vacant U.S. Senate seat. Fulfilling this resolution is also made more difficult by the fact that my new wife, who I met last summer in a coffee shop in Hyannis Port, has already legally changed her name to "Mrs. Kennedy." Oops.

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Bill "Kennedy" Shein wishes you a 2009 free from bad TV news coverage of the coming alien invasion.