By Bill Shein
December 10, 2008

By now you’ve heard that President-elect Barack Obama wants to rebuild our crumbling roads and bridges as part of a massive plan to put America back to work. Some are calling his proposals a “new New Deal,” a set of ideas to create jobs, restore the American spirit, “green” the economy, and dramatically reduce the number of shock absorbers destroyed each year on America’s bumpy, ill-maintained highways.

To his credit, Obama has already started to address rising unemployment, particularly among former Clinton administration officials. In fact, he has already re-employed every single person associated with the Clinton administration except former President Bill Clinton himself. (And, um, a certain White House intern.)

Besides infrastructure projects and the Former Clinton Administration Official Full Employment Act of 2009, what else can Obama do when he takes office? Here are a few possibilities.

The Civilian Jester Corps – The Civilian Jester Corps would bring hilarious pranks, jokes, pratfalls, rhyming verse, and the always hilarious cream-pie-in-the-face to every sad corner of America. With their funny hats and clown-like antics, it’s easy to forget that Shakespeare, at least, used jesters to tell the truth. And the truth may be that America just needs a few good pies-in-the-face to get back on track.

Rural Re-Electrification Administration – Thanks to the New Deal’s Rural Electrification Administration, our nation’s rural areas now enjoy the benefit of electricity. This means few Americans still have to frantically pedal an electricity-producing bicycle to power their TV, unless they want to. But how many of our rural areas have been re-electrified? And just what is “re-electrification”? That’s unclear, which is why unemployed scientists and engineers and public relations experts would be put to work immediately in the Rural Re-Electrification Administration’s Office of Re-Electrification Explanation. Take that, unemployment rate!

Enact and Immediately Repeal Prohibition (Again) – Few historians credit the 1933 repeal of Prohibition with returning the nation to prosperity and full employment, but why not enact and repeal it again, just in case? Might be fun.

A Nationwide Thumb-Wrestling Tournament – This would be a groundbreaking contest involving every single American in the most massive thumb-wrestling tournament ever. Think about it: Have you ever participated in a thumb-wrestling match that didn’t ultimately devolve into fits of laughter? Especially after someone launched the notorious, index-finger-based “sneak attack”? While this won’t create jobs, it will provide much-needed silliness that Americans can enjoy until our economy somehow un-crumbles.

Economic Alternatives Speakers Bureau – It’s surprising that as millions lose jobs and retirement savings vanish, there’s been little discussion about how to build a new economy based on something other than the endless pursuit of economic growth. That’s why the government should pay millions of unemployed Americans to deliver speeches on the subject, creating a national conversation about alternatives to our collapsing, society-wide money chase. Plus, unemployed bodyguards could be hired to protect the speech-givers from the agent provocateurs dispatched by the nation’s largest retailers. It could be a thought-provoking, job-creating machine!

Attitude Adjustment Administration – This innovative office will use several methods to boost consumer confidence: Pep talks (“You’re looking mighty fine today, consumers!”), free financial counseling (“With no money, balancing your checkbook only takes four seconds!”), and weekly motivational lectures by Tony Robbins (“If your power’s been turned off for non-payment, I’ll show you how to power your home with your personal power!”).

National Office of Interpretive Dance – While the number of Americans working as professional interpretive dancers is quite small (fewer than three, at last count), it’s now time to fund thousands more with government money. It will be good for the nation’s spirit. Why? Because it’s impossible to watch interpretive dance and not say, “Wow, at least I don’t have to do that for a living. Makes me feel better about being unemployed and broke.”

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As part of Barack Obama’s infrastructure project, Bill Shein wants his crummy driveway repaved.