By Bill Shein
November 6, 2008

(Below is a partial transcript of MSNBC’s unusually suspenseful Election Night coverage.)

RACHEL MADDOW: Honestly, guys, it’s hard to see how John McCain wins this.

CHRIS MATTHEWS, HOST OF “HARDBALL”: Just a minute, Rachel. This night is far from over. Yes, with Ohio now in Barack Obama’s column, the electoral map continues to shrink for John McCain. But is there a path to victory? Chuck Todd?

CHUCK TODD, NBC POLITICAL DIRECTOR: Chris, let me show you what’s happening over here on our Partially Sentient Interactive Electoral Map 9000.

(Colorful explosions stun TV viewers into slack-jawed motionlessness as TODD flies over to a touch-screen map using his MSNBC Anti-Matter HoverPack.)

TODD (floating in mid-air): Hello again, Partially Sentient Interactive Electoral Map 9000.

MAP (in a seductive female voice): Greetings, Chuck. Your goatee looks great tonight.

TODD: Thank you. Now, let’s take a look out here in the Mountain West, where—

KEITH OLBERMANN: Oh, come on! Can we please just call this election for Bar—

DAVID GREGORY, ANCHOR: Sorry to cut you off, Keith, but we’ve got some breaking news that’s unrelated to my gangster-like pinstripe suit, capish?

(More explosions and loud music. Twelve cheerleaders appear on the set wearing tight-fitting T-shirts that spell B-R-E-A-K-I-N-G N-E-W-S.)

MADDOW: Whoa, what was that?

GREGORY: We’re learning that exit poll data from the state of McCainland, just off the coast of California, looks very good for John McCain.

OLBERMANN: McCainland? What?

GREGORY (gesturing for him to agree): Yes, Keith. You know, McCainland. Worth 195 electoral votes? Ring a bell?

MADDOW (confused): I’m not sure what this is about, David.

MATTHEWS: Would a McCain victory there deny Obama the presidency? Chuck Todd?

TODD (smiling and whispering to the MAP): What?

MADDOW: I know I’m new here, but there’s no state called McCainland.

GREGORY (holding his hand to his earpiece): One moment, Rachel. We’re getting confirmation that other states are still in play. North Montana. West Arizona. Oreyoming. Any of them could go McCain’s way and turn this around.

MATTHEWS: And we’ll have full details after this extremely long — and lucrative — commercial break. So stay tuned to MSNBC, America!

(Viewers endure dozens of ads for a variety of useless products and promos for an actual TV program called, “Whale Wars.”)

MATTHEWS: We’re back. Now, Chuck Todd, even though recent polls had Obama up 22 points in California, there’s still a possibility for McCain to take those 55 electoral votes, yes?

(TODD is gently stroking the screen of the Partially Sentient Interactive Electoral Map 9000 and smoking a cigarette.)

MATTHEWS: Chuck?

TODD (startled): Oh, sorry. Yes, you’re right, Chris. If space aliens visited the earth last night and replaced all 37 million Californians with robot duplicates who support McCain, it would be a game-changer. And we can’t rule that out yet.

MADDOW (laughing): That’s hilarious, Chuck. You should be on Saturday Night Live! (She turns serious.) Come on, guys, this election is over. Enough already.

(TODD, MATTHEWS and GREGORY stare ferociously at MADDOW for a long moment).

MADDOW (nervously): Well, I guess anything can happen in a year that’s been so full of surprises, right?

(The other hosts erupt in relieved laughter, smiling and nodding.)

GREGORY: So true, Rachel. That kind of insightful commentary will keep you employed here for years to come.

MATTHEWS: Let’s turn now to GOP strategist Mike Murphy, a student of political history. Mike?

MIKE MURPHY: Chris, to me this looks just like the election of 1920. Warren Harding appeared headed for certain defeat until an unexpected break in the space-time continuum enabled him to pull it out at the very end. That may happen again tonight. So stay tuned.

MADDOW (directly to camera): What have I gotten myself into?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For obvious reasons, Bill Shein avoids TV news channels at all costs.