By Bill Shein
November 21, 2008

Let’s be honest: Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of George W. Bush’s final, frantic efforts to put his unpopular stamp on every part of American life. So here’s a helpful guide to last-minute Bush initiatives that may have slipped past your radar.

(I’ll do my best to provide additional updates as Inauguration Day approaches.)

End-of-Term Pardon Processing — To handle the crush of last-minute pardon requests, the Justice Department will soon launch “InstaPardon.com.” At this convenient Web site, current and former Bush administration officials will simply enter their White House identification number, provide a mailing address (even if they’re in, or headed to, a country without an extradition treaty with the U.S.), and then click, “Pardon Me!” A fully certified presidential pardon will be sent via overnight courier.

Treasury’s “Farewell Fun Day” — At some point before Jan. 20, a festive, day-long celebration will be held in a luxurious event hall in the basement of the U.S. Treasury building. Dozens of CEOs from big banks and other financial services firms will enjoy delicious food, fine wine, and access to an unlimited amount of cash from the bailout-authorized “Grab ‘n’ Go Money Bar.” The party will continue until the Treasury is drained of all remaining funds. (Free, late-night flights to Rio available for all attendees.)

Final “Mountaintop Removal Mining” Rulemaking — Not only will mining companies be permitted to chop off the tops of mountains and legally pour the waste into rivers and streams, they will also have the option to dump the waste in the front yard of environmental activist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. Or, if they prefer, right on top of Al Gore.

Cheney Endorsement-a-Thon — Remember when Vice President Dick Cheney held a campaign event to endorse John McCain just days before the GOP nominee’s crushing defeat? Just make a $100,000 donation to the Republican National Committee before Jan. 20 and Cheney will be dispatched to make a high profile “endorsement” of your competitor’s product or service. For example: “Hi, I’m Vice President Dick Cheney, here to endorse the fine services of Bob the Plumber.” CUT TO: Joe the Plumber arriving for work in a stretch limousine.

Pave Paradise 2009 — Allegedly to “stimulate the economy and create jobs,” the president will soon authorize $1 trillion for a massive infrastructure project that will “clear and pave any remaining American forests.”

Put Up a Parking Lot 2010 — An additional $500 billion will be spent to “create parking lots on all freshly paved forests.”

High-Speed ShredTastic Building Shredder — Even with easy-to-acquire presidential pardons (see above), the amount of paper shredding that must take place before Jan. 20 is truly unprecedented. Fortunately, the Bush administration recently built a giant machine that saves time by completely shredding the entire building in which damaging documents are housed. And, perhaps surprisingly, the machine outputs nothing but fresh air, water, and fluffy little kittens. Go figure.

The Bush Legacy Protection Act — To effectively tie the hands of the Obama administration, the president recently issued a directive that permanently sets the annual budget of the entire executive branch at just $9.95. Another executive order requires the permanent removal of all pens, pencils, and other writing implements from the White House “until the end of time.” This will prevent President Obama from signing anything that would reverse or overturn anything Bush has done.

The New American Bushionary and Thesaurus — New regulations pursuant to the Patriot Act will require Merriam-Webster and others to update certain definitions and synonyms to comply with Bush-era activities. For example, “humble foreign policy” now means, “Tragic, super-ironic phrase implying the broad, almost indiscriminate, entirely unnecessary use of military power.” And the definition of “compassionate conservatism” will now forever be, “The warm, loving embrace of high-net-worth individuals by their government.”

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Ever the mature adult, Bill Shein plans a last-minute singing of “Nah, nah, nah, nah, hey, hey, hey, good-bye.”

(Click here to read Bill’s previous column, “Perhaps We Might?”).