Bailout Provisions Exposed!
by Bill Shein

As part of my long-standing effort to put country first — or at least second, behind the CW's totally awesome new "90210" revival — last night I combed through the hundreds of pages of legislative mumbo-jumbo and foolish spending known as "the Wall Street bailout package."

And just like those software license agreements that no one ever reads, this legislation contains a number of alarming provisions that have, until now, gone unnoticed.

Some are not surprising, of course, given the torrent of corporate cash and lobbyist largesse that keep our "representative" government functioning so "well." But others are truly startling.

Here's just a small sampling of what I found:

Sec. 101a: "It is illegal to refer to this legislation as a 'Wall Street bailout.' It must be referred to by its official name, 'The Main Street, Norman Rockwell, Apple Pie, Kitten and Puppy Protection Act of 2008.'"

Sec. 121d: "The term 'troubled asset' shall include residential and commercial mortgages, vice-presidential nominees, 'Re-Elect Spitzer 2010' buttons, and any 'collectible' item from the Franklin Mint."

Sec. 128g: "While this legislation limits 'golden parachute' severance packages, it does not prohibit giving fired CEOs an actual, life-size parachute made of gold, as a gift. If the departing CEO later decides to melt down the golden parachute and sell the gold for millions of dollars, that's his or her business."

Sec. 142e: "Until Nov. 4, 2008, members of Congress must repeat the following phrase at least 50 times each day: 'I am outraged that Wall Street has put our economy in such jeopardy. But we had no choice. This is about Main Street, not Wall Street. Seriously. It is! C'mon, why are you looking at me that way?' "

Sec. 157b: "No Wall Street firm that sells troubled assets to the government shall be required to make a single change to how they do business unless and until Congress gets around to approving new regulations, which shall in no case take effect before 2009, or 2038, whichever is later."

Sec. 173h: "Upon enactment, members of Congress are immediately authorized to purchase any foreclosed property in America — with no money down!"

Sec. 192c: "When, inevitably, Wall Street firms find clever ways to profit handsomely from this hastily approved legislation, members of Congress should say this to voters: 'Um, what legislation are you talking about? Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't remember any legislation. Hey Bob, you see any 'legislation' around here? Nope, me either.' "

Sec. 234a: "The definition of 'toxic asset' shall be limited to the class of troubled assets known as 'vice-presidential nominees.' These may now be disposed of quietly through the good offices of the Federal Witness Relocation Program."

Sec. 287g: "NASA is hereby authorized to spend $10 billion to develop time travel technology. This will enable Congress to return to 2005 and establish proper oversight of mortgage lending and complex financial instruments."

Sec. 287h: "Once back in 2005, Congress should also give serious consideration to kick-starting them impeachment hearings, no?"

Sec. 305a: "After approval by Congress, the president shall sign this legislation in New York City at the start of a week-long block party at the corner of Wall and Broad. Only senior executives from Wall Street firms shall be invited. The party must be catered exclusively by upscale restaurants that received at least three stars in the latest Michelin guide. Up to $50 million is authorized for this party."

Sec. 305b: "Any so-called 'ordinary American' who tries to crash the Wall Street party will have their job eliminated, their house put into foreclosure, and their health insurance canceled. And, no, they will not — under any imaginable circumstances — be bailed out."

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Rep. Bill Shein has pretended to be a member of Congress since 1983.

(This column first appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on Monday, October 6, 2008. Click here to read Bill's previous column, "I'm too big to fail").