By Bill Shein
October 30, 2008

Don’t be frightened, my friends, but at this very moment something unprecedented and terribly dangerous is taking place all across America.

No, I’m not talking about the threat posed to civilization by the latest Oscar contender, “High School Musical 3: Pre-Holiday Merchandising Gone Mad.” The truly perilous, wholly un-American activity happening right in your neighborhood is massive, virtually uncontrollable voting by millions of eligible Americans.

Based on news reports, this is occurring everywhere: In the “real” and “fake” parts of the United States, the “pro-American” and “anti-American” parts, the red parts, the blue parts, the urban and rural parts, the effete liberal parts and the even more effetely liberal parts.

As someone who pays close attention to issues of voting and democracy — hence my nickname, “Guy Who Blathers On About Our Electoral System Until Listeners Fall Into a Months-Long Coma” — let me issue a stern warning: This carefully planned and shamelessly enthusiastic casting of legitimate ballots must be stopped.

Seriously, America, enough with the voting! Don’t you realize how this unusually high level of participation threatens — to borrow a phrase from Sen. John McCain — “to destroy the fabric of American democracy”?

According to data released by various states, early votes are being cast in unprecedented numbers. Inspired by “the most important election of our lifetimes,” voters are waiting in long lines, navigating clunky elections procedures, and overcoming registration snafus to make their voices heard.

Experts predict that turnout on Election Day will be massive. Overall voter participation may exceed 65 percent of eligible voters, threatening to improve our current ranking of 139 (out of 172) in voter-turnout percentage among the world’s democracies.

This year’s level of democratic involvement also threatens to undermine the achievements of the National Apathy Alliance, the secretive organization that has successfully cultivated cynicism, disinterest, and a sense of powerlessness for decades. (Slogan? “Don’t Vote, Everything’s Fine!”)

And make no mistake: Voting in a presidential election is a dangerous gateway to even more substantial participation in the life of our democracy.

It starts with voter registration, which seems harmless enough. But then these people have the audacity to actually vote — something that, historically, only half of eligible citizens do every two years. Fully engaged, these voters may then begin to organize in their communities, write letters, lobby local, state and federal officials on issues of concern, and even work with others in their neighborhoods to serve our individual and collective needs. Do you have any idea what that could mean?

Fortunately, various patriotic Americans have stepped up to stem this tide of massive participation. From Wisconsin to Indiana to Ohio to Nevada, lawsuits have been filed to limit access to the polls, challenge typo-ridden voter-registration forms that don’t match typo-ridden government databases, and otherwise gum up the works enough to reduce participation.

These defenders of the “real” America clearly see the long-term danger posed by massive participation. That’s why none of their last-minute lawsuits seek to expand participation. Plus, our local elections officials are already overworked, and the threat of more voters demanding to participate in elections could drive them to quit en masse. That would leave America with entirely unstaffed polling places — an invitation to election fraud.

So, before this gets totally out of hand — with voter turnout surpassing 70 percent and more calls to expand and protect the franchise — we need to put a stop to this whole “right to vote” thing. By any means necessary. Otherwise, we’ll end up with substantial and broad participation in all our elections, leading to government policies that are responsive to all Americans.

What kind of country would that create? It’s hard to say for sure, but certainly not one that any of us would recognize.

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Bill Shein’s “Democracy Boy” costume occasionally frightens small children.