By Bill Shein
October 14, 2008

According to The New York Times, more than 25,000 questions were submitted online via MySpace for the “town hall”-style presidential debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. From those, moderator Tom Brokaw selected a mere handful.

Wondering what questions went unasked? Thanks to a few hours of unpleasant dumpster-diving outside Brokaw’s house, some of them are now in the public domain:

— “Dude, thanks for the add! I’ll definitely check out your Web site, ‘johnmccain.com.’ Sounds awesome! Peace out, OldManPrez!”

— “Sen. Obama, when you say that my taxes won’t go up ‘one dime,’ are you leaving the door open to raise my taxes by two dimes? Or three? Or 10,000? And would I actually have to pay those additional taxes using dimes?”

— “Do either of you remember the McDonald’s McDLT? The 1980s hamburger where ‘the hot stays hot and the cool stays cool.’ Thoughts?”

— “This question is for both candidates. When you hear CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer refer to his co-workers as ‘the best political team on television,’ do you just laugh and laugh like the rest of America?”

— “What’s your plan to stabilize financial markets, protect homeowners, guarantee our bank deposits, reduce unemployment, and restore confidence in the U.S. economy? And more importantly, when you find time to ‘pal around with terrorists,’ what kinds of things do you like to do? Go Rollerblading?”

— “Any chance one of you could say this during the debate? ‘Susie Johnson, will you marry Jonah Rosenberg?’ Because that would be the most awesome proposal ever! Signed, Jonah Rosenberg.

— “Sen. McCain, you keep saying that you ‘know how to catch Osama bin Laden.’ Um, is there some reason why you haven’t shared that wisdom with, say, President Bush? Or our soldiers? Or the Pakistanis? Could you just whisper it to Tom Brokaw after the debate?”

— “Does it bother you that the Commission on Presidential Debates is run by the former chairmen of the two major political parties, and that it is funded with millions of dollars in corporate cash, and that it uses arbitrary metrics to shut other parties and candidates out of the debate process? Is that really good for democracy? Hello? Anyone? Besides you crickets?”

— “Fox News Channel recently reported that all Democrats are bad and all Republicans are good. They also interviewed an expert from an unknown think-tank who said conservatives are made of pure God-essence while liberals are each made from a rib of Beelzebub. So my question is this: Why hasn’t Sen. McCain closed the deal with voters yet?”

— “My grassroots organization, ‘Dungeons and Dragons Players for Barack Obama,’ wants to know what his charisma level would be if he was a Dungeons and Dragons character. Also, can a sorcerer combine Versatile Spellcasting with a metamagic feat? Thanks!”

— “Yeah, I’d like to know why Barack Obama has 686,000 MySpace friends, but John McCain only has 164,000. Does John McCain lose a friend every time he says, ‘My friends’? Because that’d be ironic.”

— “Hey, OldManPrez, I said I’d check out your Web site, ‘johnmccain.com.’ You don’t need to keep e-mailing me every five minutes. Back off, man.”

— “My grassroots organization, ‘Dungeons and Dragons Players for John McCain,’ wants to know whether we should add half of our strength level to attack rolls when using alchemical items. Also, may a ninja use a gnome battle cloak without penalty? Thanks!”

— “Could one of you please say this during the debate? ‘Jonah Rosenberg, please stop calling Susie Johnson at home and at work. She says it’s over, freak. She’ll leave your CDs in a box in her driveway.’”

— “Dear OldManPrez: Thank you for submitting the following question for the presidential debate: ‘McCain totally rocks! Obama’s a total loser! U-S-A! U-S-A!’ Unfortunately, debate rules prohibit questions from the candidates themselves. But good luck in the debate, Senator.”

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Bill Shein is happy to announce his engagement to Susie Johnson.