I'm too big to fail
by Bill Shein

At a time when economic turmoil on Wall Street keeps Americans up at night, it’s embarrassing to admit that I’m sleeping like a baby. While millions worry about jobs, retirement savings, and affording food and heat, I’ve never been more relaxed.

Why? Because your tax dollars, and the good people at the Federal Reserve, are on my side. Thanks to years of earning huge profits through my clever investment schemes – made possible by foolish deregulation and lax oversight of the financial-services industry – I have personally become “too big to fail.”

Let me explain.

During the past few years, I have earned billions of dollars through the use of complex, barely understandable, largely pointless financial instruments. My chief innovation, now patented, was the “securitization” of “day-old” bagel inventories from around the world. That is, enabling investors to profit from the sale of day-old bagels without actually being in the bagel-making or bagel-selling business.

How did I stumble onto this huge opportunity? Well, difficult economic times always mean a surge in demand for day-old bagels. Sure, they are less tasty, a bit chewy, and don’t have that wonderful fresh-baked smell. But they’re easier to afford on a tight budget.

Using advanced computer algorithms, my team of Wall Street math nerds created investment vehicles that made it possible to trade in day-old bagels. How, exactly? Boy, I wish I could explain, but my degree is in American history, not rocket science!

In any event, Wall Street firms jumped at the chance to cash in. Lehman Brothers, A.I.G., Morgan Stanley, and Washington Mutual (to name a few) borrowed huge sums and bought day-old-bagel-backed securities like they were about to go stale. And I made money on every transaction.

Alarmed by my sudden wealth, last year Congress held a hearing on dangers to the financial system posed by complex, bagel-backed securities. In my testimony, I warned that “risks from securitized day-old bagel inventories are miniscule compared to the destabilizing potential of securitized subprime mortgages.” But they didn’t seem to care.

(Perhaps it’s worth noting that at the very hour I spoke to the House Select Committee on the Coming Financial Meltdown, a fancy cocktail reception hosted by lobbyists from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac was taking place right down the hall.)

Today, I enjoy a lavish lifestyle. Besides a little house in Alford, I own a spacious weekend place in Great Barrington, a vacation spread in Lenox, a condo in Pittsfield, and a massive, Deval-Patrick-like compound in Richmond. Life is good.

That’s not to say there aren’t signs of trouble ahead. The Wall Street Journal recently suggested that some day-old bagels may actually be two or even three days old, often riddled with visible mold. And last week CNN addressed the growing unease in a three-hour special, “The Coming Bagel-Securities Crash: How to Save Your Retirement Fund While Also Keeping Up with CNN’s Ridiculous Election Coverage and Pointless Celebrity News.”

Even so, I’m sleeping soundly. Why? Because the federal government and Wall Street “experts” have made clear that the collapse of Bill Shein’s Day-Old Bagel Investment Bank and Flavored Cream Cheese Emporium would be a “shock to the system” that would create “cascading impacts” across the global economy. Translation: I’m too big to fail, baby!

Yes, a government rescue means I’ll probably lose my job, but like so many Wall Street bigwigs, I’ve already made my fortune. So who cares if my greed destabilized the whole Ponzi scheme we call “market capitalism.”

To all the hardworking, decent, non-rich folks who are not too big to fail, and whose taxes will now bail out Wall Street’s bad investments rather than pay for health care and job training and new schools, I say, good luck. In today’s so-called “free market” (cough, cough), it seems that you’re on your own. Sleep well!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bill Shein also holds a patent on “the use of absurd exaggeration for comedy purposes.”

(This column first appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on Monday, September 22, 2008. Click here to read Bill's previous column, "The Truth About Obama").