by Bill Shein
April 9, 2007

According to data released by the Internal Revenue Service, the gap between the wealthiest one percent of Americans and the rest of us schlubs is now as wide as it was in 1928 — a year before the collapse of the stock market and the beginning of the Great Depression. Woo hoo!

Amazingly, most Americans don’t even know if they reside in the rarefied air of incredible wealth. In surveys, we routinely think we are (or will soon be) in a higher economic bracket. That’s due in part to the powerful myth that “working hard” and “playing by the rules” (cough, cough) will make every one of us filthy rich by a week from Thursday. Woo hoo!

So how can you determine if you are, in fact, one of the lucky few for whom the Bush era will be remembered as the “Era of Really, Really, Really, Really Good Feelings”? Here are some IRS-unapproved guidelines for figuring it out.

If you receive offers for credit cards that are “pre-approved,” and that have “no pre-set spending limit,” and which offer “zero-percent interest” and promise “no need to make any payments — ever!”, then you are a member of the top one percent. Congratulations!

But if your credit card requires a security deposit, charges a $1,999 annual fee, demands that payments be made, in person, at a processing center in the Cayman Islands, and the card’s issuing bank is “Rocko’s Check Cashing, Bail Bonds, and Pawn Shop,” then you are not. Darn!

If you regularly dine at a fancy restaurant where someone magically appears between courses to sweep the crumbs off your table, you are part of the wealthiest one percent. But if you regularly dine at a restaurant called, “All-You-Can-Eat Crumbs That Were Collected at the Fancy Restaurant Next Door,” then you are not.

If your home includes a “library” or “screening room” or “servants’ quarters” or “money-counting room,” then you are probably in the top one percent. But if your “money-counting room” is the coffee table where you roll your change, you are probably not.

If your first response to any public-policy question is, “An unfettered free market is the answer, so we must eliminate every single government regulation,” then you are in the top one percent.

If an elderly British gentleman named Hobson or Jeeves is reading this aloud to you, perhaps while you soak in the tub, then you are in the top one percent. However, if you are reading this yourself during today’s seven minutes of free time (maybe between your second and third jobs?), you are not.

If you’re in the top one percent, you may sometimes say, “It’s so much better for poor people today because they can own microwave ovens and televisions!” But if you have a microwave oven and a television, but often have the electricity powering them cut off because you had to buy food or baby diapers, then you are not.

If you call the White House, are immediately put through to President Bush — who has given you a nickname like “Moneybags” or “Dr. Cash” — and are then named as ambassador to a strife-free island nation, then you are in the top one percent. But if you call the White House and are transferred to a malfunctioning voice-response system that quickly disconnects you, and then find yourself on a government watch list, you are not.

Finally, if you routinely send large bags of cash to newspaper columnists — for no apparent reason and with no strings attached, just to show off your incredible wealth — then you are a member of the top one percent. And here’s hoping you stay there, Dr. Cash!

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Bill Shein is available to receive large bags of cash during regular business hours.