Tommy, We Hardly Knew Ye
by Bill Shein

"I felt my record as governor of Wisconsin and secretary of Health and Human Services gave me the experience I needed to serve as president, but I respect the decision of the voters.” – GOP presidential candidate Tommy Thompson, announcing his withdrawal Monday from the 2008 race

THOMPSON: And now I’ll take your questions. Yes?

REPORTER (looking around the nearly empty room): Um, I’m sorry. What’s your name again?

THOMPSON: Tommy Thompson.

REPORTER: And, again, sorry to have to ask this, but why are you holding a press conference?

THOMPSON: To announce that I am withdrawing from the race for president.

REPORTER: President of what?

THOMPSON: The United States. President of the United States.

REPORTER: Of America?

THOMPSON (frustrated): My God, yes! President of the United States of America! Are you joking?

REPORTER: OK, let me get this straight. You were running for president, but today you’re dropping out. And that’s why you’re holding a press conference.

THOMPSON: Yes.

REPORTER: What’s your name again?

THOMPSON: Tommy Thompson! Elected four times as governor of Wisconsin? Secretary of Health and Human Services during George W. Bush’s first term? First elected to the Wisconsin State Assembly in 1966, probably before you were born?

REPORTER: Seriously, dude. If you did all that, why doesn’t anyone know who you are? Has there been a single story about you?

THOMPSON (angrily): There’s about to be a front-page story about how Tommy Thompson punched an obnoxious reporter in the face.

REPORTER: Wait, wait! I got it. Are you the guy who lost 105 pounds? And wrote a book about it?

THOMPSON: No, that’s former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. He’s still in the race.

REPORTER: Oh, so you must be the Massachusetts guy who made trillions on Wall Street, ran the 2002 Olympics, and whose five sons selflessly serve America by working on their father’s campaign?

THOMPSON: No. That’s Mitt Romney. He’s still in the race. I’m from Wisconsin.

REPORTER (confused): Where is this “Wisconsin” you speak of?

THOMPSON (now furious): It’s a state! In the Midwest! I was the governor! Welfare-reform pioneer? Cut taxes 91 times? Wildly popular?

REPORTER: Oh, Thompson! Why didn’t you say so? The guy from “Law and Order.” But why are you dropping out so soon?

THOMPSON: No, no, no! That’s former Sen. Fred Thompson from Tennessee. He’s about to enter the race.

REPORTER (laughing): You should sell him your leftover “Thompson for President” bumper stickers. Make a few bucks for your retirement.

THOMPSON: Look, do you have any questions?

REPORTER: Like what?

THOMPSON: How about asking if I’m going to endorse another candidate.

REPORTER (sarcastically): Yeah, I bet your phone is ringing off the hook with calls from the other candidates, right?

THOMPSON (smiling): So you want something good? You want a good headline, something juicy to help you sell papers?

REPORTER (perking up): Yes, definitely! Whaddya got? Spill it, old man!

Thompson steps away from the podium, punches the reporter in the face, and calmly returns to the microphone.

THOMPSON (rubbing his fist): As promised. And that should ensure that you never forget the name “Tommy Thompson,” my friend.

REPORTER (after a beat): Who?

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Bill Shein once ran for president, too. (He didn’t win, either.)

(This column first appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on Thursday, August 16, 2007. Read Bill's previous column, "The Abridged 'Harry Potter''").