The Abridged 'Harry Potter'
by Bill Shein

With the release last week of “Harry Potter and His Giant Money-Printing Machine,” let’s recap the fantastical story that has enchanted readers (and author J.K. Rowling’s private banker) for a decade. And don’t worry: there aren’t any spoilers here.

Our tale begins in 1998, when “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” lands in American bookstores. In the first volume, we learn that Harry is not only part human and part wizard, but also that he is the great-grandson of Mr. Potter, the nasty business tycoon from “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Who knew?

Kind-hearted and innocent, Harry refuses to join the Potter family business, which now includes Asian sweatshops and military contracting. Instead, he gains entry to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a respected vocational school. He dives into introductory courses like “Fake Lightning-Bolt Scars 101,” “Get Rich Marketing Halloween Costumes of Yourself,” and “How to Sell Your Life Story to Hollywood for Unthinkable Riches.”

The book makes many terrifying references to “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,” an evil wizard who hopes to rule the world – but who is, in the late 1990s, hiding underground, possibly working at the neoconservative Project for the New American Century while plotting his return.

Meanwhile, once the book hits the bestseller list, something curious happens. Even though “Harry Potter” was written for pre-teens, many adults think it’s cool to be seen reading “Harry Potter” in coffee shops and on park benches – rather than, say, paying closer attention to the approaching presidential election.

Unfortunately, the “Potter” craze also means that most adults never read my important 1999 book, “Why Choosing a President Based on ‘Who We’d Like to Have a Beer With’ Will Soon Destroy America.”

The second and third “Harry Potter” books provide more of the same: magic spells and Hogwarts intrigue and lots of secret meetings at “The Leaky Cauldron,” a fictional pub located on North Street in Pittsfield. More evidence that Pittsfield is, finally, BACK!

In other developments, Harry discovers that he has just one living relative: Col. Sherman T. Potter, commanding officer of the 4077th “M*A*S*H” unit. Without giving anything away, let me just say that the chapter in which Harry, Hawkeye Pierce, and B.J. Honeycutt steal a jeep and drive into Seoul is pure genius.

By the fourth book, Rowling has clearly decided that editing is for losers. So “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” clocks in at a whopping 734 pages, big enough to require a warning label: “DANGER: LIFTING THIS BOOK MAY SNAP YOUR SPINE.” It becomes popular at health clubs as a smart, ironic replacement for traditional dumbbells.

In the fifth book, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” Harry tires of the cold, damp weather of London and travels to the United States. He takes a job in a Sun Belt retirement community outside Phoenix, using magic spells to cure arthritic knees and cataracts. His legend grows.

In the sixth book, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, the evil “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” (aka “Lord Voldemort”) has successfully placed his agents throughout government and begins an all-out assault on the values we hold dear: The rule of law, meaningful democracy, and free pancakes for everyone on Saturdays.

Now, after 10 years, the series comes to an end with last week’s release of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.” And as we’ve heard for months, the climactic battle between Harry and Voldemort is not to be missed – at least according to the book’s publicists.

What else happens in the final volume? Well, without giving anything away, let me just say that it’s disappointing to see so much shameless product placement (Hogwarts is now the “Verizon School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,” and Harry’s Nike high-tops are mentioned ad nauseum.)

And the ending? You know, when Lord Voldemort peels off his face to reveal that he is actually Darth Vader, who then removes his helmet to reveal that he is actually Katie Couric? Oops! Spoiler alert!

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Bill Shein’s first young-adult novel, “Turn Off the TV, Clean Your Room, and Eat Your Vegetables!” never really found an audience.

(This column first appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on Thursday, July 26, 2007. Read Bill's previous column, "Planning the Libby Pardon").