Planning the Libby Pardon
by Bill Shein

"Yesterday was a very sad day for Scooter and his family. But there's an ongoing process, and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to discuss it while the process is going forward." — President Bush, June 6.

BUSH (in the Oval Office with his top aides): OK, we're agreed. We strip Michael Moore's citizenship, label him an "enemy combatant," and let him enjoy the free health care at Guantanamo Bay. Next issue: The process for Scooter Libby's pardon. How we gonna do this?

DICK CHENEY: Just do it, sir. Do it now. Right now! To hell with anyone who complains. Just sign this paperwork and it's done. (He hands Bush a document.)

BUSH: This says, "Presidential Authorization to Attack Iran with Nuclear Weapons."

CHENEY: Oh, sorry. (He hands Bush another document.)

BUSH (confused): This says, "Resignation Letter of George W. Bush."

CHENEY (laughing nervously): Ha! Just a little joke, sir.

JOSH BOLTEN: As White House chief of staff, I recommend that we announce Scooter's pardon on a Friday afternoon in August. Bury the decision in the weekend papers in the middle of summer.

TONY SNOW: That's not a bad idea, Josh. Unfortunately, the press office has already reserved every Friday afternoon through January, 2009, for other controversial announcements. We need more Fridays! (Everyone laughs.)

BUSH: Can I issue an executive order? To create an eight-day week? With two Fridays? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday?

(Nothing is heard but the sound of crickets.)

BUSH: Anyway, I'd like to pardon Scooter and award him the Presidential Medal of Freedom at the same time. (The president walks across the room, opens a closet, and thousands of medals spill onto the floor.) I sure love giving these things out!

CHENEY: We could try to deflect criticism by using the "no underlying crime" defense. Of course, Republicans impeached President Clinton for the same thing: lying to investigators.

BUSH: How about I sign an executive order that makes lying a good thing? And telling the truth a bad thing? Then Scooter's conviction would have to be overturned!

BOLTEN (amused): Well, that would definitely solve most of our problems. Too bad we can't actually do it.

BUSH (surprised): Whaddya mean?

SNOW (shifting the discussion): So, what should we do about the Justice Department policy? That pardon applications can't be considered until at least five years after a conviction? And the applicant must accept responsibility and show remorse?

BUSH: I've got it! We'll say that because the Justice Department is such a mess of scandal and incompetence, and because Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has become a total joke, we've replaced all of Justice's corrupt policies with new, untainted ones.

(Everyone sits in stunned silence.)

BUSH: What'd I say? Seriously, what'd I say?

BOLTEN (shaking his head): Nothing, sir, nothing.

GONZALES (who has been sitting next to Bush): Would you all please stop talking as if I'm not here?

CHENEY (feigning concern): Hey, has anyone seen the attorney general today? Because I haven't. I sure hope he's all right.

(All except Gonzales laugh uproariously.)

SNOW: Hey, why not pardon Scooter at the same time as that Thanksgiving turkey, in November? So it's, like, a sidebar?

BUSH: I like that! Get the vegetarians on our side, too. But does it mean that Scooter has to spend the rest of his life at an animal sanctuary? With the turkey?

CHENEY (handing Bush the resignation letter): Just sign this document and I'll take care of everything, Mr. President.

BUSH (while signing): Thanks, Dick. You the man!

CHENEY (darkly): I am now, sir. I am now.

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Bill Shein still respects the rule of law. What's left of it, at least.

(This column first appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on Saturday, June 9, 2007. Read Bill's previous column, "Last Newspaper Reporter Fired").