Enough About the Weather!
by Bill Shein

LET'S FACE it, people: Far too many conversations in the Berkshires these days start with, "Can you believe this weather?" This inevitably leads to a dull, boring conversation about the admittedly bizarre weather we're (not) enjoying this month.

While the weather is vitally important to some local folks — farmers, landscapers, car-wash owners and the launch director at the Berkshire County Space Flight Center — for the rest of us, it's a topic that has overstayed its welcome. So, enough!

With most of us feeling cold and waterlogged and cranky, it's also no longer funny to say, "Another beautiful spring day, eh?" In fact, area emergency rooms are overflowing with people who were pummeled viciously about the face and head after making that "joke."

So here's a handy clip-and-save list of alternate ways to begin a conversation — and some other things to discuss — that may help relieve the tedium of endless Berkshires weather-talk.

— "So, I floss my teeth about 20 times a day. How 'bout you?"

— "That guy Carrot Top really cracks me up. Oh, the wacky props! The kooky orange hair! Why doesn't he have his own TV show? That's what I want to know."

— "Did you know that Al Gore heats his home with raw coal that he burns in his fireplace? And that if he runs out of coal, he uses kittens?"

— "I just ate an entire onion. Can you tell?"

— "Maybe I'm not 'hip' to 'the scene,' but what is this 'American Idol' program that people are talking about?"

— "OK, a train leaves Chicago traveling west at 80 m.p.h. At the same time, a monkey in the Bronx Zoo begins eating a banana. And at the same time, a man in a Paris café notices that his coffee has turned cold and bitter. Any idea where I'm going with this? Nope, neither do I."

— "Is it 'lift with your legs, not your back,' or 'lift with your back, not your legs'? I can never keep that straight. Could it be 'lift with your arms, not your tongue'? Because that would be some good advice."

— "What am I up to? Oh, the usual. Just trying to figure out how to "unshackle this economy" and "unleash the entrepreneurial genius of America's small-business people" and "get government off my back" and "cut through bureaucratic red tape" and "use as many political clichés as possible." How about you?

— "You know that poster of Einstein sticking out his tongue? And that one with a kitten barely hanging onto a tree branch? I had both of them on my bedroom wall during high school. Yeah. Those were the days. I really miss high school. OK, dude, see ya later."

— "Do you ever try to drive while using your right foot for the brake and your left foot for the gas? You know, by crossing your feet over each other, or by driving while lying face down in the driver's seat, using a mirror to see where you're going? It's fun."

— "I don't know about you, but I wish these presidential campaigns would start a whole lot earlier."

— "Seriously, how can Starbucks make any money by selling a mixture of coffee and whipped milk for, like, only five bucks? I'm no businessman, but it just doesn't seem possible!"

— "Did you know that when Al Gore runs out of kittens, he heats his home with polar-bear fat?"

— So, enjoying this spring weather? Hey, why are you preparing to pummel me about the face and head?"

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Bill Shein's local business, "Ye Olde Shoppe of Cute and Utterly Hilarious Classic Posters," has not been affected by the rainy weather.

(This column first appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on Wednesday, April 18, 2007. Read Bill's previous column, "Defining the Top One Percent").