by Bill Shein
April 9, 2006

“Turning a decades-long rivalry on its head, Apple Computer introduced software today that it says will easily allow users to install Microsoft’s Windows XP operating system on Apple’s newest computers.” — The New York Times, April 5, 2006

“The streets of New York City and Boston were filled with millions of crazy, screaming baseball fans last night after the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox announced plans to combine their organizations into a new Major League Baseball franchise in Hartford, Conn. The fans, whose rivalry-addled brains couldn’t process the news, tore out their hair, wailed like wounded animals, and eventually collapsed into the fetal position.” — Sports Illustrated, Feb. 19, 2007

“In a move that shocked both Wall Street and the kid to whom Mean Joe Greene tossed a sweaty football jersey in that 1979 TV commercial, Coca-Cola and PepsiCo today announced plans for ‘Coke-Pepsi Swirl,’ a sugary, brown, fizzy beverage with absolutely no nutritional value. Promoted with a $900 million summer marketing blitz featuring the song, ‘I’d Like to Buy the World a Sugary, Brown, Fizzy Beverage with Absolutely No Nutritional Value,’ the partnership should be extraordinarily profitable for both companies.” — AP, June 22, 2007

“In what is being described as ‘unprecedented,’ the activist groups ‘Canines United’ and ‘Felines for Peace and Justice’ have signed the ‘Dogs and Cats Living Together Treaty of 2008,’ bringing an end to eons of hissing, growling, barking, biting, slashing of noses, and hilarious pursuits across slippery floors. ‘With this agreement,’ said a spokescat, ‘we can finally join forces to enslave humans and force them to eat dry, disgusting food from a damn bowl on the floor.’ ” — Washington Post, April 18, 2008

“In a little-noticed speech to four people who stopped for snacks at a turnpike rest stop, 2008 presidential candidate Ralph Nader predicted that yesterday’s peace settlement between dogs and cats would someday create enormous problems for humanity.” — Washington Post, April 19, 2008

“Acknowledging a quarter-century drift toward the increasingly conservative ‘center,’ the Democratic and Republican parties today announced formal merger plans. Pushed together by the marginalization of America’s once-mighty labor movement, a quest for corporate campaign cash, and an inexplicable willingness to cater to the whims of affluent suburban voters, the new party will run pundits James Carville and Mary Matalin at the top of a 2012 unity ticket.” — Reuters, Dec. 8, 2011

“Perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader barely escaped with his life yesterday after he reminded a crowd of laid-off Democratic Party workers that he predicted the merger of America’s major political parties when he ran for president in 2000.” — Reuters, Dec. 9, 2011

“Responding to consumer demand for more ‘synergy’ between personal computers, TVs, portable MP3 players, cellular phones, pagers, video game consoles, and lovable household pets, the newly merged MicrosoftApple introduced ‘iPuppy XP,’ a fun and lovable canine bio-hybrid with a myriad of computing, entertainment, communication, and goofy, face-licking features.” — AP, June 21, 2014

“Canines and Felines United for Revolutionary Justice hereby condemns the creation of a bio-hybrid pet that combines obviously phony, face-licking affection for humans with dozens of entertainment and communications features. This slap in the fur-covered face has been noted at the highest levels of our growing and increasingly militant organization.” — CFURJ press release, June 22, 2014

“Music star Eminem and his former former former former former wife Kim Mathers have re-re-re-re-remarried in a small private ceremony. In a joint statement, the not-so-newlyweds said, ‘This time we’re staying together for good, if only to allow the nation to turn its attention to more important matters — like the growing threat from dogs and cats committed to our enslavement.’ ” — Variety, Jan. 5, 2016

“In a long-awaited and carefully planned move, Canines and Felines United for Revolutionary Justice yesterday stormed a MicrosoftApple factory in California, manufactured an army of reprogrammed and wholly ferocious iPuppy XPs, and then quickly conquered and enslaved the human race. Later, after eating a meal of dry, cardboard-like kibble from a damn bowl on the floor, Ralph Nader said, ‘You may recall that I spoke about this during my 2008 presidential campaign.’ ” — Journal of the New Animal Revolution, July 4, 2016

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Bill Shein has great respect for canines and felines. He looks forward to working with them.