by Bill Shein
April 16, 2006

Are you sick and tired of newspaper articles filled with last-minute tax tips?

Too bad! Because this week’s looming tax deadline is the subject of another installment of Reason Gone Mad’s long-running “Do’s and Don’ts” series — recently voted “Best Do’s and Don’ts Series” by the American Academy of Otherwise Unemployable Do’s and Don’ts Writers (Bill Shein, Honorary Chairman).

So pull together your pay stubs, receipts, loose change, financial records, ABBA records, and threatening mail from the Internal Revenue Service and let’s get started, Fernando.

DO properly account for all income, including anything reported to the IRS on forms W-2 or 1099, or your return may be flagged for closer inspection.

DON’T report any income received for helping the government of Iran develop its nuclear program or your return (and your citizenship) may be flagged for closer inspection.

DO deduct legitimate expenses related to business travel.

DON’T deduct expenses incurred while attending a month-long seminar, “How to Turn Your Luxury Vacations into Fully Deductible Business Travel,” held on a beautiful Greek island but featuring little relevant tax advice. (“We will now drink shots of Ouzo from cups made by folding IRS Form 1040 like this.”)

DO consult with your high-priced accountant or tax lawyer to determine if recent tax law changes will benefit someone like you.

DON’T already have a high-priced accountant or tax lawyer? Then relax, because none of the recent tax law changes will benefit someone like you. (See “Welcome to the New Gilded Age,” BushLegacy Books, 2001).

DO fully deduct the cost of body armor purchased before your deployment to Iraq, the nation with the world’s second-largest oil reserves.

DON’T deduct the cost of Armor-All protective spray used to polish the dashboard of a city-block-long, gas-guzzling 2006 Chevy Behemoth 9000 SUV, because, well, I think you see where this is going, friend.

DO write a long, sternly worded letter to the U.S. government demanding that your taxes not fund pre-emptive war, torture of detainees, warrantless wiretaps, dissemination of fake “news” by government agencies, or any other activity that violates domestic or international law.

DON’T include such a letter with your tax return; instead, file it away for use by future historians. Because if you send it, be prepared for the IRS’s new “full-body-cavity-search audit,” carried out — without your attorney present — in a secret Eastern European prison.

DO laugh at the poor TV reporter sent to interview people waiting in line at the post office as the filing deadline nears.

DON’T say, if interviewed by that TV reporter, “Taxes? Why, I haven’t paid taxes since the 1950s! And I don’t care who knows it!”

DO remember that our tax dollars, over many generations, have built our society and national infrastructure — the roads, public education systems, regulated markets, healthy natural environment, and other things that make “individual” success possible in America.

DON’T you hate it when an entirely frivolous column suddenly includes something serious like that? Yeah, me too.

DO keep copies of your financial records for at least 10 years. You may need them for an audit or to help you remember what life was like before the surprisingly rapid collapse of the global economy. (See, “Welcome to the End of the New Gilded Age,” BushLegacy Books, 2009).

DON’T keep copies of your financial records if you were paid to help the government of Iran develop its nuclear program. In that case, shred your financial records immediately. Like, right now.

DO make your check payable to “United States Treasury.”

DON’T make your check payable to “Lockheed Martin” or “General Dynamics” or “Halliburton” — even though that would be utterly hilarious.

DO file your tax return electronically. Because what could be safer than transmitting your most sensitive financial information across the hacker-filled Internet?

DON’T file your tax return electronically. Because what could be safer than placing your most sensitive financial information in an envelope, affixing a stamp and dropping it into a blue metal box on some random American street corner?

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Bill Shein uses Form 1040-EZ-EZ-EZ.