Last Minute Gift Ideas
by Bill Shein

With time running out for holiday shopping, here's our third annual batch of last-minute gift ideas, each one sure to be a hit with concerned Americans everywhere. Happy holidays!

"Ways to Induce Vomiting" Laminated Instruction Card — Not just a great stocking stuffer, but a possible lifesaver, too! Designed to fit easily in a medicine cabinet, this doctor-recommended waterproof card features a list of things so outrageous that each is enough to induce vomiting. Some examples (WARNING: May induce vomiting): "Goldman Sachs CEO Receives Bonus of $53.4 Million," "Bush May Seek More Troops for Iraq," "Minimum Wage Hike Tied to Estate-Tax Cut," and that old stomach-turning standby, "We Report, You Decide."

"The 110th Congress: A Look Back, 2007-2009" — In this manuscript brought back from the future by an anonymous time traveler, the actions of the new Democratic Congress are thoroughly detailed. Change-hungry voters will seethe with frustration and anger when they learn that Democrats failed to substantially reform the broken congressional ethics process or implement long-overdue lobbying reform; voted to expand the size of the U.S. military to support our new age of permanent war; failed to bring our troops home from Iraq quickly, and continued feeding at the cash-filled trough of private campaign contributions. However, should Democrats surprise us with newfound courage and conviction, this book will slowly disappear like that famous photo in "Back to the Future." Cool!

"Filling Senate Vacancies: A Comedy" — Tickets to this new musical comedy at the Kennedy Center in Washington make a great gift! The show features toe-tapping songs that suggest countless ways to hilariously — and undemocratically — fill vacant U.S. Senate seats. You'll chuckle at the opening number, "What Say You, Guv'nah?" Then you'll guffaw at "Voters Be Damned," grow pensive during the thought-provoking "Don't Dance on His Grave Just Yet, Boys," clap along with "It's a Ratings-Boosting Media Frenzy," and then, finally, sob uncontrollably during the bittersweet closing number, "Potemkin Democracy, U.S.A."

The Barack Obama Holographic Projection Machine — Allows voters to project all of their hopes and dreams onto a smiling holographic image of rookie Sen. Barack Obama while continuing to believe they themselves are powerless without the right leader. Bonus features include a giant panic button that, when pressed, projects that famous grainy movie of Carrie Fisher as Princess Leah, only this time she says, "Help us, Barack Obama. You're our only hope!"

"A Cheney Family Christmas: Volume III" — In this third annual collection of original tunes, you'll hear Dick and Lynne harmonize on the haunting, Simon and Garfunkel-like, "The Sound of Waterboarding." Then enjoy the vice president's playful topical songs like, "Osama bin Voting Democrat," "I Shot You in the Face. So What?", and the George Bailey-inspired, "Merry Christmas, You Old Halliburton Stockholder!" With the perjury trial of former Cheney aide Scooter Libby just weeks away, the carefully vetted "Plausible Deniability" is perhaps the CD's most timely song. And, as in years past, you'll find an original tune by Cheney's lesbian daughter included as a hard-to-find hidden track.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Uncompromisingly literal, Bill Shein does his last-minute shopping on December 24th at 11:59 p.m.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on December 22, 2006. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, " 'Broken Train' Doesn't Fly" ).

Read Bill's "last-minute gift" columns from 2004 and 2005.