'Broken Train' Doesn't Fly
by Bill Shein

Sure, the Eagle reported on Wednesday that the "mysterious noise" heard lately by local residents came from a broken CSX freight train, but does anyone really believe that explanation? You don't have to be a conspiracy theorist to imagine there's more to the story.

That's why I consulted Wikipedia, Ask Jeeves, several big "Jeopardy" winners, and the good people at 1-800-WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-THAT-NOISE in my quest for the truth. I also studied recent issues of The Eagle, looking for missed clues. Based on my exhaustive research, here are three likely explanations for that mysterious noise.

1. The Pterodactyl — Previously available only in Great Britain, the Pterodactyl is a giant, animatronic robot bird used to discourage teenagers from congregating in places that are also popular with cash-laden shoppers. And it's being tested for use near the Beacon Cinema project in Pittsfield.

A vast improvement over the Mosquito, the high-frequency noise machine recently deployed against Great Barrington youth by a local real-estate developer, the Pterodactyl hovers quietlyat 10,000 feet, surveying the sidewalks and parking lots of small towns looking for loitering teens.

Guided by lasers that come out of its terrifying red eyes, it then swoops down at incredible speed — using its battery of five jet engines — grabs teens with its giant metal talons, and then flies hundreds of miles away. The pesky youngsters are then safely deposited on a distant mountain peak, or the grounds of a military academy, or simply dropped into the ocean or the gaping mouth of a volcano. Problem solved!

Sure, the Pterodactyl is expensive to own and operate, but it is certainly money well spent. What's the alternative? Bring town government, business owners, local developers and parents together to create and properly fund after-school programs and activities so teenagers have cool things to do and places to go? Why, such an approach would be utterly preposterous!

2. An Actual UFO Landing — When The Eagle quoted a local resident describing the mysterious noise as "a UFO landing," did it stumble upon the real explanation? That aliens arrived last week to meddle in our midterm elections and cause the K-Fed/Britney split?

Did extraterrestrials also force the media to devote countless column inches and TV time to the K-Fed/Britney split, and then brainwash many of us into caring about the K-Fed/Britney split? These are all real possibilities, based on information provided to me by the good people at 1-800-ALIENS-ARE-CONTROLLING-US.

3. Wonder Woman's Invisible Plane — Unbeknownst to everyone except our local Register of Deeds, America's favorite scantily clad female superhero recently bought a weekend home in the Berkshires. It's a modest compound where Wonder Woman can get away from the stress of crime fighting, polish her bullet-deflecting bracelets, and playfully tie-up local columnists with her golden lasso and force them to tell the truth.

And the truth, according to this local columnist, is that the mysterious noise was probably the roar of Wonder Woman's invisible jet on approach to Pittsfield Municipal Airport.

There are other clues. For example, is it merely coincidence that around the time Pittsfield residents began to hear the mysterious jet-engine noise, local police successfully cracked a six-month string of 42 house burglaries across the region? Did they get some pro bono crime-busting help from the woman of wonder? It certainly seems possible.

But on the off chance that the mysterious noise came from something other than her invisible jet, a UFO, or the Pterodactyl, Wonder Woman could still help us identify the real source. Of course, if everyone in the Berkshires actually believes the lame "broken CSX train" explanation, or is too busy to work with Wonder Woman on this important effort, I will gladly volunteer.

That's why I say, "Welcome to the Berkshires, Wonder Woman! And call me so we can get to work!"

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(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on November 17, 2006. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "My Concession Speech" ).