by Bill Shein
November 7, 2006

ME (stepping to the microphone in a crowded hotel ballroom): Thank you. Thank you very much.

AUDIENCE: (Wild, drunken cheering.)

ME: Thank you for staying up late to watch the returns come in. I hope you’re enjoying the elaborate buffet and open bar, courtesy of the Washington offices of Kraft Foods and Anheuser-Busch. Raise your hands and be recognized, boys!

(Several fancy-suit-wearing men raise their hands to near-deafening applause.)

ME: Despite last-minute help from the good folks at Diebold Election Systems, and a flurry of TV ads suggesting that my opponent has partnered with aliens to turn humans into an interplanetary food source, it appears — almost inexplicably — that the vote count will not go our way tonight.

AUDIENCE (wailing): Noooo! Ce n’est pas possible!

ME: Even with our massive campaign of voter intimidation — cleverly dubbed an “election integrity” effort — it seems that we allowed too many people to cast ballots and have them properly counted.

AUDIENCE: Boooo! Down with voters! We hate democracy!

ME: So, a few minutes ago I telephoned my opponent to offer my congratulations on his victory.

AUDIENCE: Boooo!

ME: No, no, please don’t boo. And you, sir, in the back? Please stop yelling, “Spawn of Satan!” when I mention my opponent — even if he never proved to our satisfaction that his father is not Lord of the Underworld.

AUDIENCE (together): We cast you out, unclean spirit!

ME: My friends, while we may have lost the battle tonight, our war to maintain the lucrative status quo is not over.

AUDIENCE: 2008! 2008!

ME: As you know, this has always been a campaign about ideas — ideas about how to best serve the interests of my $2,000 donors.

AUDIENCE: Huzzah! Huzzah!

ME: And how to avoid FBI scrutiny of what I like to call “Operation Quid Pro Quo.”

AUDIENCE: We love no-bid contracts!

ME: And how to implement economic policies that create record corporate profits while the unwashed masses struggle even harder to make ends meet.

AUDIENCE: Let them eat cake!

ME: And, finally, how to ensure that I continue to receive my meager working-class salary of just $165,200 a year.

AUDIENCE: (Laughter, followed by clinking of champagne glasses, followed by checking of Tokyo market on Blackberrys.)

ME: To my surprise, my opponent graciously accepted my concession with only one angry mention of “gutter politics.” I told him that he ran an honorable campaign, something that usually doesn’t work in modern politics.

AUDIENCE: (Knowing laughter, followed immediately by the sound of checks being written to various Swift Boat-like groups already gearing up for 2008.)

ME: Finally, I promised to work with him and continue to serve the people of this district. And that’s a promise I intend to keep — at least until I reach the end of this sentence.

AUDIENCE: (Uncontrollable laughter, spasms of delight, and widespread falling on the floor.)

ME: Thanks for all of your hard work, and rest assured that next January, when I follow in the footsteps of so many former lawmakers and become a registered lobbyist, I will still be there to help you in Washington — for a mere $750 an hour.

AUDIENCE: Cha-ching!

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Bill Shein says, “Hello, new boss! Are you the same as the old boss?”