by Bill Shein
October 27, 2006

“Upon reading the transcript of my appearance on Al Jazeera, I realized that I seriously misspoke by using the phrase ‘there has been arrogance and stupidity’ by the U. S. in Iraq. This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize.” — Statement released by Alberto Fernandez, director of public diplomacy for the State Department’s Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs.

Good morning. Thank you for coming to the State Department press room on such short notice.

My name is Alberto Fernandez, and I am the director of public diplomacy for the Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs. Yesterday I gave an interview on the Al Jazeera television network and answered questions, in Arabic, about the war in Iraq and how the United States is rethinking its strategy and tactics.

But after reading the transcript of my appearance, and consulting with my supervisors at the State Department, and subsequently fielding a phone call — late at night, and filled with a great deal of yelling — from a senior Bush administration official, and then spending several hours with my accountant to carefully review the present market value of my retirement savings, I felt it appropriate to clarify my remarks.

As should be obvious, those remarks were wholly mistaken, erroneous, inexplicable, high in dangerous trans fats, and clearly not my true beliefs nor those of the U. S.government, the Bush administration, or, frankly, any right-thinking person who has even the slightest clue about the near-perfection of our efforts in Iraq.

Why, some may ask, did I say things that I did not mean — specifically, that the United States has been “arrogant” and even “stupid” since the invasion of Iraq in March 2003? For what possible reason did I appear to speak so candidly and honestly about our missteps and the road ahead?

Well, my friends, it’s a long story. A complicated story. A story that is at this very moment being turned into a made-for-TV film that will be broadcast well after the November midterm elections.

It’s a sordid tale that involves rapidly consumed alcohol, marital problems, space aliens, car chases, gratuitous sex, temporary insanity, identity theft, bad spinach, and many other things that we don’t have time to cover today. Besides, there’s precious little room in your newspapers and on your “news” programs for a long Iraq-related story, what with the Foley scandal, Obama-mania, Madonna’s alleged child-stealing racket, the pending Cruise-Holmes nuptials, and other subjects deemed far more advertiser-friendly than a foolish and tragic war that has destabilized a critical region — oops, there I go again!

Finally, since very few Americans — including government officials and FBI agents — speak Arabic, let me suggest to you that the Arabic word for “arrogance” sounds very much like the Arabic word for “humility.” And that the Arabic word for “brilliant,” if mispronounced even slightly, can sound just like the word for “stupid.” So this whole matter could be little more than an error in translation, if what I’ve just suggested to you is true.

Thanks for coming. Obviously, with my retirement security hanging in the balance, I won’t be taking any questions.

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Next time, Bill Shein recommends that the administration simply claim that it was “Opposite Day.”