Pliocene Epoch Personal
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by Bill Shein
“When the ancestors
of human beings and the ancestors of chimpanzees parted
ways 6.3 million years ago, it was probably a long goodbye
... Some seem to have interbred 1.2 million years after
they first diverged, before finally going their separate
ways for good.” – From “Human
Ancestors May Have Interbred with Chimpanzees,”
The Washington Post, May 18
This Week’s Personals
I’M WILLING IF YOU ARE –
Interspecies-curious human male seeks open-minded female
chimp for discreet hunting and gathering on the savanna,
eardrum-splitting screeching, picking bugs out of each
other’s hair, and occasional throwing of feces.
Must not be horrified by the freakishly long toes on my
front feet (a.k.a. “fingers”). Send note,
photo to Pliocene Personals Box 88. Or just look for me
near the fetid, steaming, post-primordial pool.
ME LIKE MATING. YOU LIKE MATING? –
Me like bananas. You like bananas? Me like screeching.
You like screeching? Me covered with fur. You covered
with fur? Me know 42 words. You know 42 words? Let’s
meet. Send likes, dislikes, list of vocabulary to Box
42.
IN THE MOOD FOR ADVENTURE? – Increasingly
evolved human female seeks safe, compassionate male chimp
for intimate and adventurous role-playing games. Must
like it when I say, “Get your stinking paws off
me, you
damn dirty ape!” Box 29.
ONCE-IN-AN-EPOCH OPPORTUNITY –
Super-intelligent, genetically mutated male chimp with
functioning time machine seeks smart, compassionate, Jane
Goodall type for travels through time and space. Must
not mind my fake British accent and fondness for “Friends”
reruns. Fax letter of interest to, um, wait. You don’t
have a fax. Can you even read? Actually, forget it. I’ll
do better in 2007, the year when chimps suddenly rise
up and conquer the planet!
WHEREFORE ART THOU, ROMEO? – Fun-loving
female chimp seeks male for swings through the jungle,
sharing of bananas, games of chase, and slow, steady evolution.
Want to walk upright? Me too! Box 17.
CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? –
Male human seeks female human or chimp for long walks
on the jungle floor and lazy Sundays solving The Pliocene
Times crossword. About me: I like pina coladas and walking
in the rain. I’m not much into health food, but
I am into champagne. If you’re not into yoga, and
have a half-evolved brain, please get in touch regardless
of whether you’re human or chimp. Box 34.
NO MORE KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS! – Honestly,
girls, this female chimp is ready to give up on this whole
dating thing. I mean, aren’t you just sick and tired
of going out with these knuckle-dragging apes? They don’t
meet our needs! They just want to hang out with their
guy friends in their “man caves” and do nothing
but screech and bang rocks together and watch sports and
fight. Will they ever evolve? Thoughts, ladies? Box 99.
SIMPLE, FAMILY-ORIENTED HOMINID MALE SEEKS SIMPLE
FEMALE CHIMP – What can I say? I love the
way you girls pant-hoot, pant-grunt, pant-bark and pant-scream.
Is that so wrong? Female chimps ready to start a DNA-busting
clan please send info to Box 72.
NO MORE MONKEY GAMES, PLEASE –
Smart, sensitive female chimp seeks strong and wise chimp
companion for dating and maybe more. But please, no humans
looking for a cheap, sleazy hook-up. You have your evolutionary
path and we have ours. You “people” can’t
just disappear for 1.2 million years and expect to come
waltzing home, your fingers elongated, your chest and
back mostly smooth and hairless, your brains more complex,
strutting around on your hind legs like you’re God’s
gift to evolution. I’m not kidding. No humans need
apply, unless you want to be on the receiving end of my
thrown feces. Thank you.
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Bill Shein apologizes for the unsettling mental
images suggested above.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on May 21, 2006. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Phone
Company Privacy FAQ").
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