Phone Company Privacy FAQ
by Bill Shein

TO: Valued Customer
FROM: Phone Company Customer Service
RE: Your privacy

Thank you for your e-mail regarding last week's report in USA Today that suggested our company is "under contract" to "turn over" the "personal call data" of our customers to the National Security Agency (NSA) to help create "the largest database ever assembled in the world" that includes "every phone call made in America."

Because of the overwhelming number of inquiries, we have prepared this list of "Frequently Asked Questions" to quickly and efficiently respond to the concerns of you, our valued customer.

1. Are you selling my phone-usage data to the NSA or any other government entity?

Our privacy policy says that we protect your personal information and allow you to opt-out of our various co-marketing agreements. It also offers a great deal of lawyerly gobbledygook meant to confuse you into thinking your information is safe with us under all circumstances. And, in general, it is very safe with us.

However, once it's in the hands of a secretive government agency, all bets are off. We suggest you call the NSA — ideally from a pay phone while disguising your voice — and ask them about their privacy policy.

2. But your privacy policy asserts that you won't provide my information to the government without a court order. What gives?

It's true that we won't normally share your personal information without a court order or subpoena or "as required by law." But hey, if the president can ignore laws passed by Congress in the name of "national security," what's the harm if we ignore our own measly privacy policy? It's not like we're torturing our customers or sending them off to secret prisons, right? So it could be far worse.

3. But I'm not suspected of any crime! Isn't this just a fishing expedition that compromises the civil liberties of innocent Americans?

After reviewing your question with the NSA, we think thou do protest too much. Do you have something to hide? If you're innocent, what's the problem? Are you in league with the terrorists?

4. Aiiieeeeee! So you're willing to compromise fundamental American values just to make a buck?

We have a legal and fiduciary responsibility to our shareholders to make as much money as possible. Turning down an easy, big-money contract with the NSA would not be responsible corporate behavior.

5. When I call customer service and hear, "This call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes," that really means it will always, without exception, be monitored and recorded, right?

Yeah, that's pretty much true. Sorry.

6. Why does your corporate spokesmouth refuse to comment on "national-security matters?" Is the phone company suddenly some kind of spy agency?

We cannot comment on our corporate spokesmouth's unwillingness to comment on national-security matters.

7. Qwest Communications refused to turn over customer data to the NSA after its lawyers determined it would be illegal. Why didn't you refuse, too?

While we can't comment on national-security matters, we can tell you that Qwest Communications employs thousands of un-American traitors, Communists, foreign fighters, dead-enders, former regime elements, common criminals, several pickpockets, and countless hippie terrorist-coddlers.

We hope the information in this e-mail has been helpful.

If not, please don't reply with an expletive-laden rant or threats of legal action. And don't bother to suggest that you're going to cancel your phone service. Because as our industry consolidates into just a handful of massive companies, you don't have many options. Seriously, who you gonna call?

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Increasingly, Bill Shein doesn't want to call anyone.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on May 17, 2006. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, " 'Da Vinci Code' Inaccuracies").