'Da Vinci Code' Inaccuracies
by Bill Shein
Once again, controversy is a-swirlin' around
Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code," the best-selling
novel that is now a film starring that godless Communist
and all-around blasphemer, Tom Hanks.
(If the 1989 Hanks film "Turner &
Hooch" wasn't an example of the Devil's work, I don't
know what is.)
The story is a fictional tale — built upon what
Brown claims are a handful of key facts — that suggests
curious mysteries and secret codes are hidden in ancient
religious texts, famous artwork, various European buildings,
and, most importantly, in the new " 'Da Vinci Code:
The Movie' Happy Meal" now on sale at your local
fast-food joint.
The book's characters posit theories that have upset
some folks: That Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene;
a secret society protects the true history of Christianity;
and, perhaps most outrageously, that the word "posit"
will disappear completely from the English language only
to return for one inexplicable appearance on May 14, 2006.
All nonsense, the book's critics say.
So as the premiere of "The Da Vinci Code" approaches,
some religious groups are recommending an "othercott"
— that is, to go see a different movie next weekend
so "The Da Vinci Code" doesn't lead in weekend
box-office receipts. Presumably, that would stick it to
the film's producer, Sony Pictures, without spoiling anyone's
weekend film-going plans.
Unfortunately, that means paying good money to see "Scary
Movie 4" or "Benchwarmers," films that
also undermine religious faith by forcing the uncomfortable
question, "If there really is a God, how could he
or she allow such terrible movies to be made?"
Now, as we know, people can get riled up about religion
(understatement heavy). One Eagle letter-writer recently
condemned Brown's novel while confessing that she hadn't
even read it: "I have not read the book 'The Da Vinci
Code,' but I have heard about it. It is fictitious [sic]
and full of lies and defamations about the life of Jesus
Christ."
Honestly, is a goofily written novel really a threat
to the deeply held religious beliefs of billions of people?
I mean, "The Da Vinci Code" is a fun if trashy
thriller that was probably written with Microsoft's "ThrillerGenerator"
software that automatically creates inane chapter-ending
cliffhangers, preposterous dialogue, and which cleverly
shares the characters' innermost thoughts by placing them
in italics.
What are the dangerous lies and inaccuracies cited in
articles by religious commentators and Biblical scholars?
Honestly, I have no idea. (Really, Shein thought to
himself, I have no idea.)
Because just as that letter-writer didn't read "The
Da Vinci Code" before condemning it, I haven't read
the articles written by the Biblical scholars who denounce
Brown simply for writing a work of fiction with religious
themes.
Besides, who has time for lots of "reading,"
anyway? That's so 20th century, nerds!
Still, I did read the book. I also saw a preview screening
of the film thanks to the weight The Berkshire Eagle can
throw around in the entertainment business.
ME: "Hello, Sony Pictures? I'm
calling from The Berkshire Eagle and we DEMAND an advance,
private screening of 'The Da Vinci Code' for all of
our editors, writers, press men, delivery people, and
— hello? Hello?"
SFX: (Sound of a phone hanging up,
a dial tone, a high-pitched whistle, and then, "If
you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.")
I don't know if the film will placate the book's religious
critics, enrage them further, or just leave them wildly
entertained. However, there are a few inaccuracies obvious
even to the untrained, non-Biblical-scholar's eye.
For example, despite product placement that suggests
otherwise, Jesus did not drive a 2006 Ford Escape hybrid.
Not only did Jesus not drive a 2006 Ford Escape hybrid,
his vehicle did not feature a bumper sticker that said,
"Win Salvation Now! Ask Me How!" (Nor did his
car have a bumper sticker with the confusing, self-referential
slogan, "I'm Following Jesus.")
And despite appearing on screen, all official-like, at
the very end of the film, the Gospel of Mark does not
include the following words: "And upon the 2,006th
anniversary of my birth, use your gold and silver ingots
to purchase a 'videotape' or 'DVD' of a fantastical story
that may test your faith, but which will do it in an electrifying,
fast-paced, and thoroughly entertaining way. — Mark
17:9"
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Like movies? Then rent "The Shein Code,"
now available exclusively on Betamax videocassette!
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on May 14, 2006. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Karl
Rove's Schedule").
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