Karl Rove's Schedule
by Bill Shein

"KARL ROVE is as engaged as I've ever seen him in his work. He's always cheerful, optimistic and energetic. He gets more done in an hour than most people get done in a day." — White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten on "Fox News Sunday," Apr. 30.

6:15 a.m. — Arrive at office. Pound six cups of coffee. Gaze at motivational plaque presented by Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, inscribed with Machiavelli quote: "If an injury has to be done to a man, it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared."

6:30 a.m. — Meet with lawyer. Prepare for next completely, totally, unquestionably "voluntary" Valerie Plame grand jury appearance.

7:00 a.m. — Creepy, holographic image of Vice President Cheney materializes for briefing about Republican consolidation of power.

8:00 a.m. — Phone calls re: status of comedian Stephen Colbert's IRS audit and/or deportation and/or imprisonment at Guantanamo Bay.

8:30 a.m. — Search computer for Word document, "2002 Midterm Election Strategy: Fear, Folks & Fun!" Use search-and-replace to substitute "2006" for each instance of "2002." Save document, e-mail to Ken Mehlman at Republican National Committee.

10:00 a.m. — Conference call with Grover Norquist and 1,294 industry-funded "grassroots activists" committed to fundamental values like "consumer freedom."

10:30 a.m. — Consult with lawyer.

10:35 a.m. — Shred documents.

11:00 a.m. — Random evil plotting.

Noon — Lunch with lawyer.

12:30 p.m. — Accept humorous T-Shirt from White House staff: "I Appeared Five Times Before the Plame Grand Jury, and All I Received Was This Lousy T-Shirt." Pretend to be cheerful, optimistic and energetic.

12:45 p.m. — Make someone, anyone, cry.

1:30 p.m. — Wake the president, gently.

1:45 p.m. — Dictation: Why Democrats are soft on terrorism, war, crime, and the dangerous pool of drillable oil located under the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

2:30 p.m. — Meet with president in White House gym. Remind him not to say that catching 7.5-pound perch was "best moment" of entire presidency, even if true. Suggest tax cuts, overthrow of Taliban, etc. Also remind him that he is not "the decider." That is the job of the deputy chief of staff, Karl Rove.

3:00 p.m. — Take leisurely stroll on Pennsylvania Ave. to kick puppies, frighten children, and do other things that help "recharge creative batteries."

3:30-3:39 p.m. — Climb into giant, water-filled sphere. Hold breath for nine minutes.

3:45 p.m. — Make multiple prank calls to Democratic party chair Howard Dean, saying, inexplicably, "Hey, is Larry there?"

4:00 p.m. — Consult with lawyer.

4:05 p.m. — Burn phone logs.

4:30 p.m. — Personally wade through White House basement archives looking for embarrassing photos of Hillary Clinton.

5:30 p.m. — Close office door. Review Hillary Clinton photos. Engage in hysterical, high-pitched cackling.

6:00 p.m. — Dinner with lawyer.

7:00 p.m. — Call conservative radio show, and, apropos of nothing, question the patriotism of triple-amputee and Vietnam veteran Max Cleland, the former senator from Georgia.

7:30 p.m. — Consult with lawyer.

7:35 p.m. — Crazy, frantic shredding of documents. Mad deleting of e-mails. Violent smashing of computer hard drives.

9:00 p.m. — From secretary's computer, e-mail Josh Bolten with talking points for "Fox News Sunday" appearance: "If asked whether the Plame leak investigation has distracted me, say: 'Karl Rove is as engaged as I've ever seen him in his work. He's always cheerful, optimistic and energetic. He gets more done in an hour than most people get done in a day.' "

9:15 p.m. — Call Howard Dean again and say, "Hi, it's Larry. Any messages?"

9:30 p.m. — Turn off lights. Lock door. Drive home.

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Bill Shein gets less done in a day than most people get done in an hour.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on May 10, 2006. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "An Open Letter to the Black Flies").