David Blaine's Ho-Hum Stunts
by Bill Shein
As so-called "magician" and "illusionist"
David Blaine pursues yet another of his televised, record-breaking
"stunts," it's time to call him out for his
outrageous claims of originality.
Because who among us can honestly say they've never,
even once, spent seven full days inside a giant glass
sphere filled with water, breathing and taking fluids
through thin plastic tubes, while thousands of New Yorkers
stopped by to watch?
Exactly. A better question is who hasn't done what Blaine
is doing this week outside of Lincoln Center on Manhattan's
West Side for his ABC special, "David Blaine: Drowned
Alive."
If you must know, I did it in 1994. My sister did it
just a few weeks ago. A guy I know at work spent two
weeks submerged inside a glass sphere last fall, without
even breaking a sweat (not that we would have noticed,
since he was underwater).
And a bunch of students from Mrs. Stevenson's third-grade
class did it successfully during their Easter break. Way
to go, kids!
This is not the first time Blaine has convinced ABC to
pay him the big bucks for stunts that others have made
commonplace and mundane. I have personally met hundreds
of people who spent 44 days suspended in a glass box above
London's Thames River, without food, and thousands more
who successfully lived inside a block of ice for 61 hours.
And, despite Blaine's claims, there's at least one other
person — me — who has balanced atop a 22-inch-wide,
90-foot-tall pillar in New York's Bryant Park for more
than 35 hours. (In fact, that's where I am right now.
The view is spectacular!)
When will David Blaine take on some real, never-before-achieved
challenges? When will he perform stunts and create illusions
that truly demonstrate the extent of his talent? If he's
serious about his craft, here are some ideas for him to
consider:
— Swim the Housatonic River all the way from Pittsfield
to Long Island Sound while remaining PCB-free. It can't
be done — or can it?
— With powerful magic, permanently erase from our
minds the creepy mental image of President Bush "getting
his mojo back," which Bush's new chief of staff,
Josh Bolten, recently described as the White House's top
priority. (There's no going back to the Clinton era, Mr.
Bolten.)
— Walk across Berkshire County from Sheffield to
Williamstown without stopping, using the time to come
up with at least one good reason for walking from Sheffield
to Williamstown without stopping.
— Make weapons of mass destruction magically appear
in nations that we'd like to invade.
— Live for seven days inside a 10-by-10 glass box
with fast-talking, chatterbox pundit Sean Hannity —
without once resorting to physical violence.
— Perform the incredible sleight-of-hand required
to simultaneously vote for and against an $87 billion
military appropriations bill.
— Race to complete the world's largest Sudoku puzzle
before realizing that completing the world's largest Sudoku
puzzle would be little more than an enormous waste of
time.
— With advanced hypnosis and mind control, convince
the nation that only people who live in a dozen swing
states should have a meaningful vote for president, and
that's why we should cherish our beloved Electoral College.
It can't be done! (Wait. It may already have been done.
Scratch that one for now.)
— Persuade ABC to pay $1 million in cash for a
televised stunt called, "David Blaine Laughs and
Laughs and Laughs for a Full 24 Hours While Frolicking
in the $1 Million in Cash Given to Him by ABC to Do Just
That."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In his most recent stunt, Bill Shein remained
nearly motionless in his bed for an incredible 12.7 hours!
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on May 3, 2006. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Tips
for Better Phone Etiquette").
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