Tips for Better Phone Etiquette
by Bill Shein

Wondering how to utilize modern communications technology in ways that are less annoying to your fellow citizens? No? Then the following advice is specifically for you, my clueless friend.

1. Always listen to your voicemail messages. Ever leave a detailed, minutes-long message for someone, only to have him or her return your call and say, "So, you called? What's up?"

When you ask if they listened to your message, they say, casually, "No, I just saw that you called. What's going on?"

Trust me: When this happens repeatedly, friendships can be irreparably damaged.

So here's a suggestion: If you routinely don't listen to your messages and just scan your Caller ID for missed calls, please change your outgoing message to this: "I'm not going to listen to your message, so don't blather on, because when I call you back you'll just have to repeat the whole damn thing, Jabberwocky."

At minimum, be consistent. Either always listen to your messages, or never listen to them. Speaking for the blathering class, it would be greatly appreciated.

2. Get rid of call waiting. There's simply no good reason for call waiting. Let's review its typical use: You're talking to someone when you hear the call waiting tone. You say, "Hey, hold on a second, I've got another call." You click over, tell the new caller that you're on the other line, and then click back to the original caller.

Now, if the new caller was automatically directed into your voice mail, with an outgoing "busy" message that says you're on the phone, these interruptions could be avoided. When you end your call, just check your messages and return any missed calls. Easy, no?

One unseemly alternative is to click back to the original caller and say, "Hey, I've got to take this, because the new caller is infinitely more important than you, loser." This never goes over well, especially if your friendship is already on thin ice because of the whole "never listening to your voicemail messages" thing.

Getting rid of call waiting can also end the embarrassment that results from this scenario: You're chatting on the phone, hear the call waiting tone, click over, and then completely forget about the first caller. You talk to the new caller for a while, and then eventually hang up.

Immediately, the phone rings. You answer as if it's a new call:

YOU: "Hello?"

FIRST CALLER (irate): "Dude, you totally forgot about me!"

YOU: "Um, no I didn't."

FIRST CALLER: "Then why did you say 'Hello?' just now?"

YOU: "I didn't."

FIRST CALLER: "You did too!"

YOU (after a beat): "Hey, I've got another call coming in. Hold on."

FIRST CALLER: "Aiiiieeeeee!"

3. Enough, already, with the awful ring tones. Yes, yes, I know. If you have a distinctive or "wacky" ring tone, it's easier to know if a ringing cell phone is yours. But no one wants to hear Styx's "Mr. Roboto" or the theme song from "Gilligan's Island" or anything at all by Mariah Carey while trying to relax at a favorite coffee shop. Instead, permanently set your phone to "vibrate." You'll love it!

4. Cell phone cameras should not be used in establishments where alcohol is served. 'Nuff said. And I think you know why.

5. The world is not your living room, loud mouth. Look, if you're going to use your cell phone in public, can you do everyone the small courtesy of using your "inside voice" instead of yammering at a volume that equals, in decibels, the sound of a jet engine?

Though you may think otherwise, no one wants to hear about how the dry cleaner ruined your blouse. No one cares about what happened during today's staff meeting at ConglomoCorp or how your boss always has food stuck in his teeth. And no one wants to hear your gushy-gushy love-talk with your significant other.

Most of all, we don't want to hear any of these things at an eardrum-damaging volume.

If our elected representatives want to make a real difference in our lives, they could pass a law making it perfectly legal to rip a cell phone from the hand of an annoying loud-talker, place it on the ground, and stomp on it until it's just a pile of metal shards and oozing liquid crystal. What say you, Congress?

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To some, Bill Shein is a modern-day Miss Manners.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on April 30, 2006. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "We're Running Out of Time").