After This, What's Next?
by Bill Shein
"Turning a decades-long
rivalry on its head, Apple Computer introduced software
today that it says will easily allow users to install
Microsoft's Windows XP operating system on Apple's newest
computers." — The New York Times,
April 5, 2006
"The streets of New York City and
Boston were filled with millions of crazy, screaming baseball
fans last night after the New York Yankees and Boston
Red Sox announced plans to combine their organizations
into a new Major League Baseball franchise in Hartford,
Conn. The fans, whose rivalry-addled brains couldn't process
the news, tore out their hair, wailed like wounded animals,
and eventually collapsed into the fetal position."
— Sports Illustrated, Feb. 19, 2007
"In a move that shocked both Wall Street and the
kid to whom Mean Joe Greene tossed a sweaty football jersey
in that 1979 TV commercial, Coca-Cola and PepsiCo today
announced plans for 'Coke-Pepsi Swirl,' a sugary, brown,
fizzy beverage with absolutely no nutritional value. Promoted
with a $900 million summer marketing blitz featuring the
song, 'I'd Like to Buy the World a Sugary, Brown, Fizzy
Beverage with Absolutely No Nutritional Value,' the partnership
should be extraordinarily profitable for both companies."
— AP, June 22, 2007
"In what is being described as 'unprecedented,'
the activist groups 'Canines United' and 'Felines for
Peace and Justice' have signed the 'Dogs and Cats Living
Together Treaty of 2008,' bringing an end to eons of hissing,
growling, barking, biting, slashing of noses, and hilarious
pursuits across slippery floors. 'With this agreement,'
said a spokescat, 'we can finally join forces to enslave
humans and force them to eat dry, disgusting food from
a damn bowl on the floor.' " — Washington
Post, April 18, 2008
"In a little-noticed speech to four people who stopped
for snacks at a turnpike rest stop, 2008 presidential
candidate Ralph Nader predicted that yesterday's peace
settlement between dogs and cats would someday create
enormous problems for humanity." — Washington
Post, April 19, 2008
"Acknowledging a quarter-century drift toward the
increasingly conservative 'center,' the Democratic and
Republican parties today announced formal merger plans.
Pushed together by the marginalization of America's once-mighty
labor movement, a quest for corporate campaign cash, and
an inexplicable willingness to cater to the whims of affluent
suburban voters, the new party will run pundits James
Carville and Mary Matalin at the top of a 2012 unity ticket."
— Reuters, Dec. 8, 2011
"Perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader barely
escaped with his life yesterday after he reminded a crowd
of laid-off Democratic Party workers that he predicted
the merger of America's major political parties when he
ran for president in 2000." — Reuters, Dec.
9, 2011
"Responding to consumer demand for more 'synergy'
between personal computers, TVs, portable MP3 players,
cellular phones, pagers, video game consoles, and lovable
household pets, the newly merged MicrosoftApple introduced
'iPuppy XP,' a fun and lovable canine bio-hybrid with
a myriad of computing, entertainment, communication, and
goofy, face-licking features." — AP, June
21, 2014
"Canines and Felines United for Revolutionary Justice
hereby condemns the creation of a bio-hybrid pet that
combines obviously phony, face-licking affection for humans
with dozens of entertainment and communications features.
This slap in the fur-covered face has been noted at the
highest levels of our growing and increasingly militant
organization." — CFURJ press release, June
22, 2014
"Music star Eminem and his former former former
former former wife Kim Mathers have re-re-re-re-remarried
in a small private ceremony. In a joint statement, the
not-so-newlyweds said, 'This time we're staying together
for good, if only to allow the nation to turn its attention
to more important matters — like the growing threat
from dogs and cats committed to our enslavement.' "
— Variety, Jan. 5, 2016
"In a long-awaited and carefully planned move, Canines
and Felines United for Revolutionary Justice yesterday
stormed a MicrosoftApple factory in California, manufactured
an army of reprogrammed and wholly ferocious iPuppy XPs,
and then quickly conquered and enslaved the human race.
Later, after eating a meal of dry, cardboard-like kibble
from a damn bowl on the floor, Ralph Nader said, 'You
may recall that I spoke about this during my 2008 presidential
campaign.' " — Journal of the New Animal
Revolution, July 4, 2016
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Bill Shein has great respect for canines and
felines. He looks forward to working with them.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on April 9, 2006. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "The
Dark Side of Sudoku").
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