Reality Bites
by Bill Shein
"For instance, the vice president
predicted that invading U.S. troops would be greeted
as liberators and then said 10 months ago that the insurgency
is in its last throes, even though violence still rages.
[On Sunday's "Face the Nation"], Cheney said
his optimistic statements 'were basically accurate and
reflect reality.' " — Associated Press, Mar.
20
BOB SCHIEFFER, host of CBS' "Face The Nation":
So you're saying, Mr. Vice President, that all of your
pre-war predictions came true? That the invading forces
were greeted as liberators? That the insurgency fizzled
out months ago?
DICK CHENEY: Yes, Bob, that's right.
Everything has unfolded precisely as I predicted. Anyone
who suggests otherwise must be in league with the terrorists.
Or insane.
SCHIEFFER (stunned): But three years
ago you said that we would be greeted as liberators, that
it would be a short war, that Iraqi oil revenue would
pay for rapid reconstruction, and that there would be
no conflict between Sunni, Shia and Kurd.
CHENEY: And that's exactly how it's
happened, Bob. I'd appreciate it if the media, including
you, would report the truth.
SCHIEFFER (shaking his head): Mr. Vice
President, let me ask you a question. When someone says
the word "up," what does that mean to you?
CHENEY (laughing): Why, "up"
means "down," Bob. That's kind of an odd question.
SCHIEFFER: And if I asked, "What
color is a black Labrador retriever?" what would
you say?
CHENEY: I think everyone watching this
broadcast knows that black Labrador retrievers are, without
exception, the color of fresh, newly fallen snow.
SCHIEFFER (amazed): I'd like to pursue
this a bit further, sir. I'm going to say a word, and
you say the first thing that comes into your mind.
CHENEY: This seems foolish, but it's
your show, Bob. Go ahead.
SCHIEFFER: In.
CHENEY: Out.
SCHIEFFER: North.
CHENEY: South.
SHIEFFER: Failure.
CHENEY: Success. Come on, Bob, what's
the point?
SCHIEFFER: I'm just trying to give viewers
a sense of how you see the world, sir.
CHENEY: I'm a realist. I see the world
as it actually is, not how I want it to be. It's a worldview
formed by a lifetime of well-documented infallibility.
Because as you know, Bob, I am never, ever wrong.
SCHIEFFER: What about Saddam's weapons
of mass destruction? I suppose you were right about those,
too?
CHENEY (smirking): Here's a little scoop
for you, Bob: We found them.
SCHIEFFER: What?
CHENEY: We found and destroyed Saddam's
weapons, but for a number of reasons we pretended there
weren't any.
SCHIEFFER: You're saying that we found
WMDs but didn't tell anyone?
CHENEY: Yep. In fact, I personally found
them. See, in 2003 my "undisclosed location"
was "in the Iraqi desert, bravely leading a secret
battalion of Army commandos."
SCHIEFFER: What about all the talk of
bad intelligence?
CHENEY (chuckling): Just some clever
misdirection aimed at our enemies.
SCHIEFFER: Honestly, Mr. Vice President,
your fantastical stories may have fooled Judy Miller and
The New York Times, but I find you to be entirely without
credibility. And dangerously out of touch with reality.
CHENEY: The Buddha taught that reality
is just an illusion, Bob.
SCHIEFFER: This war is not an illusion,
Mr. Vice President.
CHENEY: In my world, Bob, war is not
war. War is peace.
SCHIEFFER (disgusted): And let me guess:
Freedom is slavery? Ignorance is strength?
CHENEY: You're catching on, Robert.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bill Shein believes the vice president lives
in a land of pure imagination.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on March 22, 2006. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "You
Will Not Defeat Us").
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