Celebrating 'Sunshine Week'
by Bill Shein
MEMO TO: White House employees
FROM: Andy Card, Chief of Staff
RE: "Sunshine Week"
For those of you too busy reclassifying declassified
documents to follow the news, March 12-18 is "Sunshine
Week," the journalism community's annual effort
to promote open government, press freedom, and other archaic
ideas that make us laugh and laugh and laugh.
As you know, since Jan. 20, 2001 we have implemented
a variety of programs to protect information that, if
released, could damage national security. And by "damage
national security," of course I mean, "embarrass
the president."
As in years past, the reality-based media will use "Sunshine
Week" to claim that this penchant for secrecy undermines
democratic government, sacrifices civil liberties, moves
us closer to tyranny, and chips away at American ideals.
(Blah, blah, blah.)
The president has asked that we ignore their whiny carping
and use "Sunshine Week" for constructive purposes
— especially since our recent attempt to outlaw
"Sunshine Week" in the Patriot Act reauthorization
failed by a few votes.
So here's what's happening this week at the White House:
SUNDAY — On this day of prayer
and reflection, the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives
presents a seminar, "What Would Jesus Classify?"
Taking direction from the "secrecy motif" in
the Gospel of Mark ("And he charged them to tell
no one"), you'll learn Scripture-based reasoning
for hiding information from public view. Who can argue
with the Good Book, right?
MONDAY — While the enemy may "hate
our freedom," what we hate is the Freedom of Information
Act. That's why today at noon, former Attorney General
John Ashcroft will stop by to discuss his October, 2001
memo that urged government agencies to deny FOIA requests
whenever possible. As Nancy Reagan said, "Just say
no!"
TUESDAY — IRS Commissioner Mark
Everson presents, "Eat the Poor: Shining Light on
the Tax Returns of America's Least-Wealthy Citizens,"
an update on administration efforts to put the screws
to poor Americans who might cheat the government out of
dozens of dollars. ("Eat the Poor" will be followed
by a champagne reception.)
WEDNESDAY — Justice Louis Brandeis
once said, "Sunshine is the best disinfectant."
Boy, was he naive. Drop by the large conference room at
10 a.m. to learn how to properly "disinfect"
the public record with thick, black markers, high capacity
paper shredders, and your computer's "DELETE"
key. Soon, your paper trail will be as fresh as a sunny
spring morning!
THURSDAY — Our annual "Sunshine
Week" event for kids features Attorney General Alberto
Gonzales in costume as "Gonzo the Clown." Kids
will love watching Gonzo make balloon animals that look
like the Founding Fathers. But make sure to cover their
eyes when Gonzo gleefully stomps the Founding Fathers
with his giant clown feet, or there may be rivers of tears.
FRIDAY — Remember when the president
said, "In my administration, we will ask not only
what is legal but what is right; not what the lawyers
allow, but what the public deserves"? Doesn't ring
a bell? That's because we made that statement retroactively
super-double classified after so many of our coworkers
were indicted.
Anyway, today the Office of Government Ethics will give
a refresher course on legally mandated records retention.
Please be sure to stop by and sign in, even if you don't
stay.
SATURDAY — Our festivities end
with the hilarious "Sunshine Week Follies,"
written and performed by Vice President Dick Cheney and
his staff. In comedy skits and bawdy songs, pesky reporters
and nerdy good-government activists will be skewered by
the vice president's salty wit. Trust me: You'll laugh
like a wealthy military contractor when Cheney, dressed
in a business suit made from $100 bills, tells anyone
who disagrees with him to "go perform a reproductive
impossibility upon yourself!"
So, enjoy "Sunshine Week." And remember, this
memo — and all of our "Sunshine Week"
activities — are classified.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To help protect our democracy, Bill Shein is
developing a paper unshredder.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on March 15, 2006. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Where's
My Twenty Bucks?").
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