Where's My Twenty Bucks?
by Bill Shein

As the remains of the winter snow melt away during this weekend's unusually warm weather, and longstanding plow-piles and thick sheets of ice become raging rivers of icy-cold runoff, it is, at long last, the appropriate time to discuss something I should have mentioned a few months ago.

It's possible that this will sound far-fetched — even for a column that proudly claims to be "Your Sunday Morning Dose of Far-Fetchified Far-Fetchiness" — but back in December, somewhere in Berkshire County, just minutes before the first big snowfall, I lost 20 bucks.

Why bring this up now? Because as the snow disappears, possibly for good, I'm certain that my missing $20 will reappear. And that means if you find a waterlogged $20 bill in your front yard, or see a crumpled double-sawbuck in the street, or, while walking to your car, trip over a small piece of green paper with President Andrew Jackson's unsmiling mug in the center, you'll want to do the right thing and send it to me immediately.

There will be no questions asked. I lost $20, and you are simply returning it to me. It's not as if you stole $20 from me during a clumsy pickpocket attempt, during which I said, "Hey, you're taking $20 out of my back pocket at this very moment!" And you replied, with your hand still in my back pocket, "No, I am not. See, a few minutes ago I placed my $20 bill into your back pocket — without you noticing — so I could pretend I was pickpocketing you. It's just a little prank!"

To which I replied, "Oh, that's a relief. A prank. Ha! Good one! Because for a moment I thought you were playing me for a fool."

Everyone can relate to this predicament, right? I mean, who among us can honestly say they've never lost 20 bucks and hoped an honest and thoughtful stranger would find it on the ground, perform whatever DNA testing was necessary to connect the wayward currency to its rightful owner, and then send it — perhaps via overnight express for very-early-morning delivery — back home.

Fortunately, thanks to this column, you've already saved hundreds of dollars on DNA testing. And since you now know that the $20 you found, or will soon find, belongs to me, we're just one 39-cent stamp and an envelope addressed "Bill Shein, c/o The Berkshire Eagle" away from a glorious reunion for me and my beloved $20, and a reward of good karma for you and your conscience.

Before you head to the post office, we must put to bed one final issue.

While I'm almost sure it was just one $20 bill that fell out of my wallet or car door or pocket on that fateful early winter morning or afternoon or evening, I can't be certain. It's possible that it was, in fact, a total of 20 dollars that was lost. That means it could have been two $10 bills, or four $5 bills, or even one $10 bill, a $5 bill, four $1 bills, and a dollar's worth of change.

Given all of these possibilities, what's an honest Berkshire County citizen to do? Don't take chances: If you find any cash at all — twenties, tens, fives, ones, or any coins — there's good reason to believe it belongs to me, and you should return it right away.

Of course, if you don't come across my missing $20 in the street, or your front yard, etc., then you should check for it in the pockets of your winter clothing, in the kitchen junk drawer, and in your child's piggy bank.

As a last resort, take a moment to see if you have $20 in your checking account. Because it's certainly possible that my $20 bill accidentally landed in a pile of your $20 bills, and, not realizing it, you deposited my $20 into your checking account. Therefore, if you have more than $20 in your checking account, it's quite likely that you found my missing $20 — woo hoo! — and should return it post-haste.

By the way, back in December I also lost a Rolex watch, 10 shares of Microsoft stock purchased in 1984, a small bag of loose diamonds, and a mint-condition Babe Ruth rookie card.

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Bill Shein may have also lost his mind.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on March 12, 2006. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "Some More Free Advice").