Some More Free Advice
by Bill Shein
About six months ago, on a particularly
slow news day, I filled my allotted space in this newspaper
with something I described
as "free advice."
It was practical, folksy wisdom: Don't perform
vision-correction surgery on yourself with an office laser
pointer. Don't use regular dish soap in an automatic dishwasher.
Do not attempt to give yourself acupuncture, and certainly
not with ordinary thumbtacks. That sort of thing.
Of course, my advice was the result of exhaustive research
and was not based on personal experience. Because only
a fool would actually use regular dish soap in
a dishwasher. And, according to psychologists, someone
who performs self-acupuncture with thumbtacks is, in every
case, certifiably insane.
With that necessary context, here's some more free advice,
none of it based on anything that actually happened.
1. Do not eat an entire bag of mesquite-flavored potato
chips in one sitting. The post-consumption nausea from
such a feast is unmatched by any other kind of overindulgence,
and that includes eating 3.3 pounds of Chex party mix
during a televised sporting event; the mindless peeling
and eating of 16 little Clementine oranges while talking
on the phone; and even dinner at a restaurant called "Day-Old
Sushi" (slogan: "If You Love Sushi, You'll Love
It Even More at 90 Percent Off!").
2. Never pour windshield-washer fluid into the engine
opening normally used for something called "motor
oil." While its magical blue color gives it the appearance
of an all-purpose miracle elixir, washer fluid is not
an engine lubricant. It does not tolerate the extreme
temperatures created inside an internal-combustion engine,
nor will it clean dirt and grime off your windshield when
used in this way. FYI.
3. After reading an online news story about the outrageous
actions of a certain elected official, do not let out
a "Braveheart"-worthy scream, raise your keyboard
in the air, and then smash it into your computer screen.
Why? Because once shattered, a computer screen will no
longer function. It cannot be repaired. It will not display
word processing documents, digital photographs, or rage-producing
online news stories. It is, in a word, ruined.
4. When supporting your local independent bookstore by
purchasing a hardcover copy of economist Jeffrey Sachs'
important work, "The End of Poverty," do not
respond to the cashier's statement, "With tax, that
will be $29.35," by saying, "Whoa, this book
should be called 'The Beginning of Poverty'!"
Why? Because the cashier has heard such "humorous"
comments before. See, independent bookstores are expensive.
But they offer helpful knowledge of literature, free author
readings, and invaluable advice like, "Did you know
that 'Vampire Bob's Blood Bank' pays $29.35 per donated
pint, and it's right next door?"
Also, be aware that after you make your little joke,
the cashier may let out a "Braveheart"-worthy
scream, pick up a computer keyboard, and throw it directly
at the small, fragile bones of your face.
5. You know those moments when you suddenly realize you
are doing something likely to end in disaster, and you
only have a split second to change course? In those instances,
do not delay. Because as smarty-pants writer Malcolm Gladwell
notes in his book "Blink," our gut reactions
are usually quite accurate. (Example: "What? $25.95
for a hardcover book by Malcolm Gladwell? That's crazy,
man! The publishing business is out of control!")
So, my advice is this: Next time you're carrying 283
dishes from the dining room to the kitchen, balancing
them precariously on forearms and elbows and clavicles,
acknowledge your gut reaction ("NO CAN DO! NO CAN
DO!") and immediately put everything down. The alternative
may be a Chaplinesque moment that ends with shattered
dishware strewn for miles.
6. When frantically cleaning your home and throwing trash
into a large garbage bag, do not pick up your house keys
for any reason because you may accidentally throw them
away. Later, if you're "lucky," you'll think
to look for them in your bag of garbage and will have
to dig through leftover pizza, moldy coffee grounds, broken
shards of your computer monitor, empty bags of mesquite-flavored
potato chips, shattered dishware, bookstore receipts,
and a creepy certificate honoring you as "Vampire
Bob's Blood Donor of the Month."
Again, these tips are based on purely theoretical research
and not on actual, truly embarrassing, events.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bill Shein is a veritable fountain of "wisdom."
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on March 5, 2006. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Prayer
for the Status Quo").
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