Dick Cheney's Apology
by Bill Shein
"The Vice President has sent a $7
check to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which
is the cost of an upland game bird stamp." —
From a
written statement issued Monday by the White House.
Dear Texas Parks and Wildlife Department:
Enclosed please find a personal check from me, Vice President
Dick Cheney, in the amount of $7, the cost of the bird
stamp I should have purchased before I accidentally shot
that guy.
I'm sorry that my office did not secure the proper permit
for hunting quail in Texas, and I am also sorry that I
shot that guy.
I'm sorry that the phrase, "Did you hear that Vice
President Dick Cheney shot a guy?" was last weekend's
most-frequently-uttered comment into a cell phone, edging
out "Hi, I'm in line at Starbucks. What's up?"
I'm sorry that my hunting companion took me completely
by surprise just before I shot him. In fact, I haven't
been that surprised by someone since the time President
Bush questioned one of my foreign-policy decisions. Good
thing I didn't have my shotgun with me then, eh? Then
I'd really be sorry.
I'm sorry that ranch owner Katharine Armstrong —
duly deputized as my official spokesperson before I was
whisked away to an undisclosed location — was, for
a time, the only source of information about the vice
president of the United States shooting a guy.
I'm sorry that after I accidentally shot a guy in the
face, neck, and torso, I didn't hold a press conference,
explain how the accident happened, say something nice
about the guy I shot, apologize, and put the issue to
bed. That would have made a lot of sense.
But, I'm sorry to say, it's long been my standard operating
procedure not to accept responsibility or apologize for
anything. So after I shot that guy, I thought, "Why
start now?"
I'm sorry that few Americans know anything about my activities,
official or otherwise. No one knows where I am, what I'm
doing, what lobbyist I'm meeting with, which members of
Congress I'm cajoling to permit torture, or the names
of any other people I have accidentally shot since becoming
vice president.
I'm sorry that the Bush administration insists on this
type of dictatorship-style secrecy — a troubling
development in a democracy where elected leaders are accountable
to the people.
I'm sorry that this hunting accident has diverted the
nation's attention from this week's truly important news,
including:
— A scathing, Republican-produced congressional
report on the "national failure" in response
to Hurricane Katrina;
— A Department of the Interior budget proposal
that includes $7 billion in ongoing "royalty relief"
for oil and gas companies, a tax break they most certainly
don't need at a time of record profits;
— The rapid fizzling-out of even modest lobbying
reform;
— That whole "war in Iraq" thing.
So, yeah, I'm sorry about all that.
I'm also sorry that as of this writing, my office has
issued just one terse statement about my missing hunting
license ($7 enclosed!), without
mentioning that I shot a guy or wishing him a speedy recovery.
Finally, I'm sorry that the legacy of "Dick Cheney
Shot a Guy"-gate may be the words of White House
spokesman Scott McClellan, who inadvertently coined the
perfect motto for our administration. Responding to questions
about whether it was appropriate to delay informing the
public that I had shot a guy, McClellan said, "I
think you can always look back at these issues and look
at how to do a better job."
I'm sorry that we will never do that, either.
Regards,
Dick Cheney
P.S. Rather than mail this letter, I've decided to shred
it. Sorry.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bill Shein has never accidentally shot a guy.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on Wednesday, February 15, 2006. Join
a discussion about this column in Bill's
blog. And read Bill's previous column, "The
Meaning of Valentine's Day").
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