I Can't Quit Saying You
by Bill Shein
You don't have to be a farmer, rancher, or member of
The Village People to know that the film "Brokeback
Mountain" has swept the nation, ending the years
of scornful looks and eyebrow-raising that once accompanied
the words, "I'm going to see a gay cowboy movie."
The film has also added a certain phrase to our cultural
lexicon — a bit of dialogue that is now on the lips
of every jokester in America, including mine.
No, it isn't, "I'm going fishing in Wyoming for
a few days," which may soon become a risqué
euphemism for a secret love affair.
And it's not, "I wonder if they'll make a hit movie
about us so we can give up farm life and hit the lecture
circuit" — words that Heath Ledger's Ennis
Del Mar utters to Jake Gyllenhaal's Jack Twist in a tender
moment, but which ended up on the cutting room floor.
(Look for it under "Deleted Scenes" on the DVD
later this year.)
It's the line, "I wish I knew how to quit you!"
And everyone's using it.
Since "Brokeback Mountain" went into wide release,
there have been countless workers who have told their
boss, "You can't fire me! Because I know how to quit
you —and I do!"
And just last night, a long-addicted cigarette smoker
took a satisfying drag on his unfiltered cancer stick
and then yelled from his Manhattan apartment window, "I
WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!" (It was followed by
an angry scream from another window: "SHADDUP! We're
trying to sleep over here!")
Meanwhile, an investment banker — who was expected
home for dinner hours earlier — was gleefully counting
a pile of cash on his desk when he said, sarcastically:
"Oh, I wish I knew how to quit you."
Then, of course, he just laughed, tossed some crisp $100
bills into the air, and said, "Oh, I'll never quit
you, my sweet and precious lucre! In fact, I'm going to
take you 'fishing in Wyoming' this weekend!"
In a south Florida retirement community, at least one
Jewish grandmother has turned to her husband and said,
"Oy, I vish I knew how to quit you! But I don't,
so please stop picking your teeth at the table, boobalah."
And, unfortunately, a hack comedian who performs at Mr.
Chuckle's Yuk Yuk Hut (located in a Comfort Inn outside
Des Moines) has been sending intoxicated audiences into
hysterics with a bit that begins, "Do you ever wonder
what it would sound like if Jack Nicholson played Ennis
Del Mar? I think it might go something . . . like . .
. this . . ."
If recent entertainment history is any guide, "Brokeback
Mountain" will also be transformed into a Broadway
musical by a week from Thursday. And as the curtain comes
down on the moving first act, the bare-chested, singing
gay cowboy Jack Twist will belt out the show's signature
tune, "I Wish I Knew (How to Quit You)."
The rousing finale, of course, will be, "I'll Never
Quit You (Even If I Knew How)."
Before it all ends in a swift, "Macarena"-like
death spiral by early summer, the "IWIKHTQY"
craze will mean a best-selling self-help book titled,
"I Wish I Knew How to Quit You: Love Lessons from
'Brokeback Mountain.' " There will also be smoking-cessation
kits, career-planning guides, "Quit Him Now! Ask
Me How!" bumper stickers, and an infinite number
of sitcom jokes (and newspaper column gags).
So enjoy the hilarity while you can, folks. Because even
though "I wish I knew how to quit you!" is burning
hot and funny today, it will soon be as tired as "Show
me the money!" and "I'll be back," movie
catch phrases that were quickly ruined by massive overuse.
Until then, let me just make one thing clear: I wish
I knew how to quit saying "I wish I knew how to quit
you!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bill Shein will be back.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on January 25, 2006. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Down
the Slippery Slope").
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