'Fund Drive' - A Radio Drama
by Bill Shein
(We hear the sound of ringing phones and VOLUNTEERS
saying, “Thanks for your pledge!” Soon they
are joined by ALAN CHARTOCK, president of WAMC
Northeast Public Radio, and SUSAN ARBETTER,
the likeable host of its flagship morning show, “The
Roundtable.”)
ALAN: I can’t say it enough, folks:
We need you, our loyal listeners, to keep this radio station
going. This is serious. If we don’t raise $30,000
in the next 14 seconds, you’ll be in a re-education
camp by a week from Thursday! Seriously, if we don’t
raise $9,000 by the end of this sentence, I’ll set
myself on fire!
(We hear the sound of splashing liquid and the
unmistakable striking of a match.)
VOLUNTEERS: Don’t do it, Alan!
ALAN: Look, Fox News and big radio networks
like Clear Channel are pumping out dangerous, one-sided
programming. We’ve got to fight back with balanced,
independent radio. OK, Susan, let’s hear from some
listeners.
SUSAN: Anonymous writes, “Why
does WAMC air the same content on 12 stations
that cover all or part of seven states? I don’t
want local news from Burlington, Vermont or other places
hundreds of miles away. Isn’t that what Clear Channel
does? Buy up stations and broadcast the same thing on
them all?”
ALAN: Well, that’s clearly from
someone who has a grudge against me. Very biased. I won’t
say his name, but he’s a bad, bad man. Susan, don’t
you think that was written by a bad, bad man?
SUSAN: Well, I think –
ALAN: Exactly!
SUSAN: Actually, I tried to say –
ALAN (oblivious): OK, folks, we know
you hate fund drives, so let’s take a break for
some news.
COREY FLINTOFF: From NPR News in Washington,
I’m Corey Flintoff. President Bush today released
his budget for next year, and –
ALAN: OK, we’re back. Come on,
folks. Pledge $100 right now and get a CD of me singing
in the shower. Or $200 for a “Chartock is My Co-Pilot”
bumper sticker. Now, before I read more e-mails filled
with praise for me, Alan Chartock, I think Susan has something.
SUSAN: Bob from Albany says, “You
really need more diverse voices on WAMC's original programming.”
ALAN: Look, we offer many different
voices on programs like “The Media Project,”
which I host, as well as “The Capitol Connection,”
which I host, and “The Legislative Gazette,”
which includes my commentary. Not to mention “Congressional
Corner,” which I host. And as political and media
commentator for “The Roundtable,” I often
suggest that media should have more voices.
SUSAN (playfully): People must think
we broadcast from Alan’s basement!
(ALAN stares at SUSAN with a
ferocity that can actually be heard over the radio.)
SUSAN: Um, here’s another: “I
like your politics, Alan. But when the president of a
non-profit public radio station uses it to broadcast his
own political views day and night, doesn’t it harm
the station’s credibility? Aren’t you the
same Alan Chartock who decries the “ideological
bent” of other media outlets – particularly
when you're hosting a fund drive?”
ALAN (miffed): Folks, that’s also
from a very bad man. Look, this is not the time to discuss
my ubiquitous radio presence. That’s what we do
on my nightly six-hour show, “Alan on Alan.”
OK, how much have we raised?
SUSAN: We’ve raised –
ALAN: Not enough! Don’t cave in
to the scare tactics of this administration, folks. Because
if we don’t raise $90,000 by 20 minutes ago, BIG
BROTHER WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!
(We hear the screeching sound from “Psycho.”)
ALAN: OK, folks, it’s time for
another incomprehensible WAMC Fund Drive "comedy"
sketch!
(We hear the sound of thousands of radios, in seven
different states, being switched off.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bill Shein can hear Alan Chartock’s voice
in his sleep.
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