"Some Republicans are pushing to alter the
Senate's rules so that a simple majority could cut off
debate on judicial nominees ... The magnitude of this
transformation of the rules is suggested by the nickname
it has acquired within the Senate: the 'nuclear option.'"
-- The New Yorker
"Although frustrated Senate leaders have
resorted in the past to tactics involving at least some
aspects of the nuclear option, none of the confrontations
approached the significance -- or political explosiveness
-- of the current dispute, with implications stretching
beyond the issue of judicial nominations."
-- Washington Post
To: All Senators
From: Republican Leadership
Re: New Senate Rules
1. When Senate Democrats arrive for work, they must
first gather outside the Republican cloakroom, arrange
themselves in height order, and allow arriving GOP senators
to smack them in the back of the head.
2. Prior to the start of the Senate's morning business,
Democratic senators shall provide bagels, coffee and
doughnut holes for their Republican colleagues.
3. When a roll-call vote is required, the clerk shall
call the name of every Republican senator and record
each senator's "yea" or "nay" until
all Republicans have voted. At that point, the clerk
may leave for the day.
4. In the allocation of office space, each Democratic
senator shall be granted one small card table and one
metal folding chair, both of which shall be placed outdoors
on the eastbound side of Constitution Avenue -- except
in winter, when the table and chair may be relocated
to the westbound side.
5. When a Republican senator drops a new bill into
the hopper on the clerk's desk, it shall immediately
become law.
6. Senate Democrats may no longer use a filibuster
to thwart the daily 5:30 p.m. vote on the "Looks
Like It's Time to Send the Democratic Senators Out to
Buy Us Some Chips and Beer" Act.
7. When Senate Democrats roll over (yet again) on ridiculous
tax cuts for the wealthy or huge giveaways to corporate
America, they must first lie down on the floor of the
Senate and literally roll over. This must be done in
plain view of the C-Span television cameras.
8. Democrats may continue to attend committee hearings
and legislative mark-up sessions, but may no longer
propose amendments, cast votes or speak. They must also
keep their eyes closed. In fact, it would probably be
best if they just listened from the hallway.
9. If we ever waive the rules and allow Democrats to
speak during a committee debate, each Democratic senator
must begin his or her remarks with this statement: "What
follows are the wrongheaded, silly and utterly preposterous
thoughts of a feeble mind."
10. When referring to GOP senators, in place of the
phrase "my distinguished colleague," Democrats
must now say, "My brilliant, witty and unbearably
sexy friend …"
11. While seated in the Senate gallery, supporters
of the Republican majority may heckle, taunt, mock,
tease, jeer or throw pointy objects at Democratic senators
without fear of being ejected by the sergeant-at-arms.
Additionally, hecklers who chant angrily -- in the style
of the GOP's 2000 Palm Beach Recount Hallway Strike
Team -- will be entered in a drawing to have Majority
Leader Bill Frist record a hilarious outgoing message
on their answering machine!
12. When debating issues related to the invasion of
Iraq, Senate Democrats must wear a T-shirt that says:
"How pathetic is it that our party's most eloquent
anti-war voice is that of Sen. Robert Byrd -- an 87-year-old
former Ku Klux Klan member who filibustered the 1964
Civil Rights Act? Extremely pathetic."
13. FYI, next Thursday the Senate Rules Committee will
be replaced by a laptop computer running Diebold's new
IronFist™ Legislative Debate Management software.
14. Next time there is a Democratic president, and
Republicans -- as they did during the 1990s -- derail
dozens of judicial appointees using tactics like the
"anonymous hold" or not even scheduling a
hearing, Democrats are not allowed to mock the GOP's
likely explanation: "Our tactics are, uh, totally
different than, um, the filibuster. Why? Because, uh,
a senator's anonymous hold on a judicial nominee is,
like, totally constitutional, dude, because,
um, gee. Whoa! We're out of doughnut holes and coffee!
And Senate rules require you to go out for more! See
ya!"
