'Beloved' Speakers for Hire
by Bill Shein
"During his presentation, Ari Fleischer uses
the same signature mix of humor and gravitas that made
him one of our nation's most beloved White House press
secretaries." -- From the Washington
Speakers Bureau.
BILL SHEIN -- During his presentation,
Bill Shein -- America's most beloved member of several
government watch lists -- employs sarcasm and LexisNexis
to demonstrate how one man's "gravitas" is another's
"deceptive, partisan hackery." Choose from lecture
topics including, "Americans Should Watch What They
Say: The Recent History of the White House Press Office,"
and "You'll Have to Ask the Department of Education
About That 'Fake News' Scandal: An Even More Recent History
of the White House Press Office." (Travels from Massachusetts
via bus.)
KAREN RYAN -- Speaking of fake news,
want to learn how to insert your message into the public
consciousness without pesky journalists getting in the
way? Then you'll enjoy a carefully scripted take on the
day's news from beloved "reporter" Karen Ryan!
During her presentation, she'll share an insanely positive
view of the new Medicare law, and then explain why No
Child Left Behind is utterly perfect. Best of all, Ryan's
speech costs your organization nothing -- her entire fee
is paid by the Bush administration with taxpayer dollars!
You'll stand and cheer when she concludes with her hilariously
generic sign-off, "In Washington, I'm Karen Ryan
reporting. Back to you!" Can also appear with beloved
columnist Armstrong Williams to present a joint lecture,
"Propaganda? No, Propa-SHMANDA!" (Travels from
Washington via unmarked government sedan).
TIMMY THE PAPERBOY -- Re-live all those
times your morning paper shattered a living room window
or became an unreadable, waterlogged mess on the front
steps with a speech by Timmy the Paperboy, one of America's
most beloved newspaper delivery boys. Timmy's interactive
presentation offers several opportunities for audience
members to show off their best, "Why, you!"
fist-waving exclamations. (Travels via bicycle.)
BERNARD KERIK -- America's most beloved
former Cabinet nominee offers advice on financial self-dealing,
decorating a secret love nest, and mob-inspired management
tactics that are sure to motivate your sleazy corporate
audience. Learn how inventing a fictitious nanny can help
avoid embarrassing disclosures -- at least in theory.
Kerik also shares strategies for restoring post-scandal
personal cash flow with lucrative speaking gigs -- mostly
overseas. (Travels via black SUV; lodging must be "donated.")
ALBERTO GONZALES -- The nation's most
beloved torture apologist will fill your conference hall
with howls of pain during his engaging workshop, "We'll
Always Have Geneva -- Not!" During this candid look
at the future of law enforcement in America, everyone
will laugh nervously as volunteers are subjected to suffering
that rises almost -- but not quite -- to the pain level
of organ failure or death. Before the event, attendees
must waive all remaining rights. (Travels via corporate
jet; speaker's fee includes cost of workshop "facilitators.")
ATTILA THE HUN -- If modern techniques
to "soften up" people seem too quaint for today's
business world, you'll prefer Attila the Hun's after-dinner
presentation -- a no-holds-barred affair that makes clear
why he was the world's most beloved pillager. To ensure
rapt attention after cocktails and dinner, a random member
of the audience will be chased, captured, and gruesomely
dismembered by Mr. Hun at some point during his speech.
After learning new approaches to bloody conquest, you'll
never look at "acquiring market share" the same
way! (Travels via horseback.)
VLAD THE IMPALER -- If you think Attila
the Hun was history's Fred Rogers, than you'll want to
hire beloved 15th century madman Vlad the Impaler -- the
inspiration for Bram Stoker's "Dracula." Fans
of rolling back America's social safety net will enjoy
Vlad's heartwarming story about inviting his kingdom's
poor and hungry to a hearty feast that lasted well into
the night. After promising to end to their misery and
suffering forever, he sealed them inside the banquet hall
and burned it to the ground. Gravitas-tic! (Travels only
at night).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bill Shein thinks that Isaac Newton, for one,
had "gravitas."
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on January 12, 2005).
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