The Non-Wealthy Barber
by Bill Shein
With apologies to David
Chilton's "The Wealthy Barber," the best-selling
book of folksy financial advice.
"Come on up here, young man, and let's see what
we can do with your remaining 27 strands of hair!"
So began a typical day for 92-year-old Port Huron, Mich.,
barber Roy Miller -- with a cheerful greeting for an old
friend who dropped in for a haircut and some of Roy's
folksy financial wisdom.
For Roy, the year 2035 was shaping up to be just like
2034. With his retirement savings destroyed by the hollowing-out
of the American economy, and Social Security long since
eliminated, he was forced to keep cutting hair, his arthritic
fingers painstakingly duct-taped to his scissors, his
loyal customers saying, "Thanks, Roy. Looks great!"
before going somewhere else to get the damage repaired.
In the years after George W. Bush turned every part of
American society over to the invisible hand -- er, fist
-- of the free market, life had been grim for working
people like Roy. And, ironically, it wasn't so good for
the wealthy, either. Their Bushian gains were erased by
the Panic of 2011, the Hyperinflation of 2019, and the
ongoing "That 1930s Depression Has Got Nothing on
This One" depression that began in 2021.
But through it all, Americans inexplicably failed to
protest the economic madness. Instead, most just gave
up their dreams of a better future and soldiered on with
lowered expectations.
"Hi, Roy," said his friend David as he settled
into Roy's ancient barber's chair. "Ouch! Guess you
haven't fixed that broken spring," David said, sitting
forward just enough to rub his backside.
"Sorry," Roy said, smiling weakly. As he wrapped
David's neck with a strip of tissue paper and covered
him with a tattered apron, Roy turned to his usual topic.
"So I've been reading Paul Krugman's 'Letters from
a Guantanamo Jail', and --"
"Roy," David interrupted, certain he knew what
was coming. "Can we talk about something else? Like
last night's Wal-Mart Bowl? How did you get Krugman's
book, anyway? I thought the Department of Wal-Mart Security
burned every copy after the Blue Vest Rebellion of '24?"
Roy shrugged. "I better not say. Anyway, last night
I read about the end of Social Security."
"Go on," David said, resigned.
Roy continued to trim David's hair. "You remember,
of course, that President Bush and his PR wizards convinced
America that Social Security was in crisis, right? With
their phony talk of looming 'bankruptcy' that was contradicted
by the Social Security Administration's own actuaries!"
David chimed in. "Yeah, and they used misleading
phrases like 'ownership society' -- language that reminded
me of the days of poll taxes and property requirements
for voting," he said, watching bits of gray hair
fall into his lap.
"So Congress passed a law," Roy continued,
"and people began diverting some of their Social
Security taxes into personal investment accounts. Remember?"
"Of course I do," David said. "Like millions
of naïve investors, I took the bait. Big companies
like Wal-Mart avoided any increase in their share of Social
Security taxes, and Wall Street firms got richer. My reward
was a reduced retirement benefit and the chance to play
the market."
"And then what happened?"
David sighed. "During the 2015-16 biometric company
stock bubble I put my entire private Social Security account
into those mental telepathy stocks -- and, of course,
I lost it all. Millions did. Now I eat Wal-Mart InstaNoodles
for breakfast, lunch and dinner."
Roy looked sympathetic. "Unfortunately, the $2 trillion
that was borrowed for 'transition costs' pushed America
deeper into debt, and didn't do a thing to secure Social
Security for the future. And a few years later, the economy
collapsed like a house of Wal-Mart-brand playing cards."
Roy clipped his rusty scissors one final time and held
up a mirror so David could see the results.
Despite a passable haircut, David looked defeated. "It
was a crime, Roy. If lawsuits by individual citizens hadn't
been outlawed in 2007, I would have sued someone."
As he removed David's apron, Roy shared the tragic end
of America's story. "And because Wal-Mart had quietly
bought up the government bonds that financed our debt,
Congress was forced to sell the entire United States of
America to Wal-Mart."
"If only we hadn't fallen for it," David said,
showing Roy his empty wallet and pulling on his threadbare
coat. "But there's no going back, right?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bill Shein is getting tired of so-called "reform"
that benefits the powerful few.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on January 9, 2005).
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