An American Intervention
by Bill Shein

(THE SCENE: In the dark, we hear someone whistling "America the Beautiful," as well as the sound of jangling keys. The keys are dropped; an unprintable expletive is uttered. Finally, a lock turns and a door squeaks open. The lights come on.)

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY (startled to see 300 million people in its living room): Whoa, who let you in here? Was it that damn super?

THE PEOPLE: Actually, we have a key. We love you, man, but you need help. This is an intervention.

A.D. (surprised): Me? An intervention? Look, after that month-long bender in November 2000, I hardly drink at all. Just wine with dinner. I swear. I don't have a problem. Everything's great!

(American Democracy walks defiantly across its living room. It trips over piles of gifts from corporate lobbyists, knocks over a stack of thank you notes from the 98 percent of members of Congress who win re-election every time, and bumps its head on a hanging mobile featuring cardboard cut-outs of the mere dozen or so states that still matter in presidential elections.)

THE PEOPLE (patiently): It's not that kind of intervention. But you're broken, pal. You were designed 220 years ago, and your age is showing. You don't create responsive government. You're incapable of addressing big issues like health care and the environment. You allow those with financial resources to trump the interests of those who don't. You don't hear the voice of all the people. You're out of control.

A.D. (cupping its ear): What'd you say?

THE PEOPLE: Exactly. Unless you get some help, your survival — and ours — is in doubt.

A.D. (incredulous): My survival is in doubt? I'm in great shape! Check out these abs!

(American Democracy lifts its shirt to reveal impressive six-pack abs. There is a small Lockheed Martin logo tattooed across them.)

A.D.: See, I'm stronger than ever!

THE PEOPLE: There are many different kinds of strength, friend.

A.D. (maniacally): But I'm spreading democracy! Look around the world — I'm breaking out all over the place!

THE PEOPLE: Perhaps, but look closer. Afghanistan uses a direct popular election for president where every vote matters — no Electoral College nonsense. And Iraq has a parliament of multi-member super districts, chosen with a proportional-voting system. None of your single-member, winner-take-all, gerrymandered districts that derail accountability.

A.D. (annoyed): And your point is?

THE PEOPLE: No democracy in the world wants outdated democratic structures like yours. (They pinch their noses.) Yours are getting a little ripe.

A.D. (becoming frantic): But I'm the longest-surviving democracy in history! The Founding Fathers were infallible geniuses!

THE PEOPLE: But they couldn't predict that the United States would grow into today's enormous, diverse nation — and one that values broad participation. You're still living in the past. You're even wearing a powdered wig!

A.D. (adjusting its wig): Don't you love me anymore?

THE PEOPLE (smiling): Of course. To steal a phrase from Federalist #86 — the inspiration for the 1996 film "Jerry Maguire" — we love you for the democratic republic we know you want to be. And we love you for the democratic republic you almost are.

A.D. (crying): But what can I do? Is it too late? How can I put the people ahead of the powerful?

THE PEOPLE (excited): With a robust agenda of common-sense democracy reform: Full public financing of campaigns. Direct election of the president. Instant-runoff voting that increases participation and eliminates third-party spoilers. Reinvigorated civics education. A right-to-vote amendment. Nonpartisan redistricting. And a whole lot more. But you have to start right now.

A.D. (weeping): You're right, you're right. Oh, God, I'm so sorry for how I've treated you! I want to fix myself — I really do!

THE PEOPLE (wrapping 600 million arms around American Democracy): There, there. It's all right. We're going to get through this — together.

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Bill Shein knows that politicians fear anything that has 600 million arms.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on December 28, 2005. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "Urgent Questions About Christmas").