2006: The Year in Review
by Bill Shein
JANUARY — During his Supreme Court
confirmation hearings, Judge Samuel Alito strongly denies
that he wants to "turn back the clock on civil rights
to the 1950s." Republicans on the Senate Judiciary
Committee immediately cheer his respect for well-established
precedent, but under sharp questioning by Democrats, Alito
admits that what he really wants is to "turn back
the clock on civil rights to the 1850s."
FEBRUARY — As the money-laundering
trial of former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay enters
its second month, shocking testimony ensnares dozens of
elected officials in a web of corruption, influence-peddling,
bribery, theft of office supplies, removal of mattress
tags, pushing old ladies down in the street, and, finally,
jury tampering — which may explain DeLay's end-of-month
acquittal.
MARCH — Former FEMA chief Michael
"Heck of a Job!" Brown's consulting firm announces
that it has finally acquired its first client: itself.
Brown advises his broke, client-less company to disband,
but not before sending himself dozens of emails that reveal
he's not even doing the work he hired himself to do.
APRIL — On the first, President
Bush issues an executive order requiring all accused law-breakers
to be tortured, no matter how trivial their alleged crime.
Assuming it's just a bad April Fool's joke, no one takes
him seriously. But on the 19th, a man who double-parked
outside a Manhattan Starbucks holds a chilling press conference
to describe two harrowing weeks in a secret CIA prison.
MAY — A leaked Wal-Mart memo reveals
that rather than provide health insurance, the company
will now require its employees to have various body parts
replaced with long-lasting cybernetic equivalents made
from advanced metals, effectively turning them into half-human,
half-robot workers. The company's plans also call for
paying its cyborg employees not with money, but instead,
with buckets of "dilithium robot gruel."
JUNE — As expected, Massachusetts
Governor Mitt Romney says that he will be a candidate
for president in 2008. His announcement, broadcast live
on both Fox News and Comedy Central, sets a new Guinness
Book of World Records mark for "Number of People
Who Turn to Their Spouse and Say, 'You Have Got
to Be Kidding Me!' "
JULY — As Tom DeLay's trial for
jury tampering gets underway, his attorney petitions for
a change of venue, arguing that DeLay can only receive
a fair trial in House Speaker Dennis Hastert's kitchen.
Meanwhile, Sen. John Kerry, preparing for a likely presidential
campaign, gives a passionate July 4th address at Philadelphia's
Independence Hall to test themes he'll use in a future
concession speech.
AUGUST — The president takes up
residence at his Texas "ranch" for yet another
absurdly long summer vacation. On the 30th, he marks the
one-year anniversary of his response to Hurricane Katrina
by doing absolutely nothing to mark the one-year anniversary
of Hurricane Katrina.
SEPTEMBER — The Massachusetts
Institute of Technology introduces an intensive four-year
degree program that awards a "Bachelor of Science
in Understanding the New Medicare Prescription Drug Plan."
Meanwhile, Fox launches its fall lineup of cheap-to-produce
"uber-reality" shows, including "People
Who Love to Watch Fox," featuring footage of attractive
people watching Fox and occasionally saying, "Wow,
I love the new fall programming on Fox! And the advertising
even more!"
OCTOBER — On the eve of the 2006
midterm elections, President Bush re-hires Tom Ridge as
a "consultant" to Department of Homeland Security.
Within hours, the nation's terrorism-alert level is raised
to "ATTACK IMMINENT! AND THIS ELECTION YEAR WE REALLY
MEAN IT!" Appearing on CNN, Ridge warns that terrorists
are planning numerous Election Day attacks, but only at
polling places in heavily Democratic precincts.
NOVEMBER — The election goes off
without a hitch, as long as you don't consider the massive
failure of electronic voting machines and resulting Republican
sweep of all 435 Congressional seats a "hitch."
On the morning after Election Day, John Kerry gives his
party's concession speech, which everyone agrees has become
quite polished.
DECEMBER — With Justice Samuel
Alito providing the key swing vote, the Supreme Court
overturns Tom DeLay's conviction for jury tampering; confirms
that Wal-Mart's cyborg employees will each count as just
three-fifths of a person in the 2010 census; rules that
a law making it illegal to push old ladies down in the
street is unconstitutional; and refuses to review the
life sentence given to that guy who double-parked outside
of Starbucks. Happy New Year, everyone!
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In 2006, Bill Shein plans to use his ability
to see into the future to win a massive PowerBall jackpot.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on December 18, 2005. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Take
My Word For It").
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